


Felicity's Mantra

by KK1986



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-04-19 05:25:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4734254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KK1986/pseuds/KK1986
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“He doesn’t love me.  He’ll NEVER love me.  I’ll be okay.”</p><p>What happens when we learn more about Felicity's background, and how her insecurities became so prevalent to her entire character.  It starts off with some of Team Arrow finding out how much Felicity is hurting, to learning that her past isn't sunshine and roses as many thought, and who would have thunk that Felicity had been caught up in a Mafia War when she was younger?  Also Oliver gets a HARD look in that what he views as love isn't actually loving someone at all, but instead putting that person through despair and hell due to his selfish, cruel and sadistic ways.</p><p>It's definitely AU.  Definitely out there.  And....hopefully some of you like it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So THIS is what happens when I read so much excellent fan fic regarding Olicity, but mainly angst due to Oliver's stupidity, that then THIS story pops into my head. It messes with the timelines and all of that.....so sorry? Anyway I own up to all horribleness as always....and I hope some of you like it. It's totally angst, and no happy ending- the Disney lover inside of me is yelling at me for that. Enjoy!

“He doesn’t love me. He’ll NEVER love me. I’ll be okay.”

That’s the mantra that Felicity has been living by for some time now, ever since she realized her crush on Oliver was full on love. She loved him. Which was a REALLY big deal for her to admit, because in her experience, any man that has loved her has left her, not just talking about her father or Cooper- but the others that happened since. It was okay though since she always survived, she built up walls to protect her heart for when a guy would fool her that they would be serious- but then leave soon after. She always did wish to love someone in a truly, completely, can’t live without you kind of way, and that one day someone would feel the same way about her. Unfortunately it did happen….but only on her end. 

It was obvious that Oliver would never feel the same way, or felt ANY romantic feelings towards her. She was simply his IT girl/Girl Wednesday/friend, and is all she ever will be. So on nights when he begins relationships, even purely physical ones, she goes home and cries. She dates and has her share of physical relationships too, but she’s made sure to not let the team know. It wouldn’t change anything even if they knew, but there was just something creepy or weird when she goes out with a guy just for sex, versus when Oliver does it with McKenna, Helena, Laurel, etc. She’s built up her walls, and somehow Oliver manages to knock them all down with a smile, a touch on her shoulder, or his cute little chuckle he only does with her.

“He doesn’t love me. He’ll NEVER love me. I’ll be okay.”

On nights when her analytical side is overridden by her emotions/heart/hope, she can almost see a future of Oliver and her together. Those nights are the worst, because she goes home and repeats her mantra until she no longer cries at how she can never love another for no one could compare to Oliver, yet no one could ever love her…..after all she is replaceable, invisible, and unremarkable (no matter how many times Oliver says different but then goes on with Isabel, Sara, or countless other women). 

“He doesn’t love me. He’ll NEVER love me. I’ll be okay.”

On those nights where she briefly hopes against everything, she always is unable to sleep and will come into work so tired. On those nights she refuses to sleep, because her dreams haunt her of a future that will never come to pass. Her crying has gotten less, or at least it takes lesser time than normal, and she can sometimes say it once and be back to herself instantly. Occasionally she will say it in her head whenever Oliver touches her or smiles, and no one is able to know different. Digg sometimes suspects when she comes to work tired, but she just says she couldn’t go to sleep the night before, and he’ll accept it. After the Clock King in which Felicity took a bullet for Sara, something Felicity will NEVER regret, she had to mask her pain when she hears Oliver say that Felicity will “always be my girl.” Regardless of how Sara makes her feel stupid, invisible, and no longer necessary, Felicity still views Sara as a new friend. Sara knew something was up when she took Felicity home, and saw how sad Felicity was, though Felicity tried to hide it.

“Felicity, are you okay? I’m so sorry you had to take a bullet…..” Sara began as she helped half carry Felicity into her townhouse.

“I don’t regret it, if that is what you are worried about. I’ll never regret helping out a friend.” Sara and Felicity share a smile as Felicity is getting more tired from Digg’s “aspirins.” 

“Hey Sara I’m okay. You should get back to Oliver; he’ll get worried if the woman he loves isn’t with him soon. So paranoid that man…..” Felicity starts to get comfy on top of her bed and gets sleepy, but she sees Sara frown.

“What’s wrong? Are YOU okay Sara?”

“You think he loves me?”

“Of course he does silly! You guys are together.” Felicity actually goes to swat Sara’s arm, but misses completely and manages to only hit her bed.

“What we have isn’t anything like that. It’s more we try to forget the world that we are in, nothing like how he feels about you.” Sara sees Felicity frown and not believe her at ALL.

“He doesn’t love me. He’ll NEVER love me. And it’s okay.” Felicity says automatically before passing out. (Truly it’s a miracle she lasted that long while being on oxycodone.) 

Sara is stunned that Felicity actually believes that. Also she noticed the way Felicity said it, like it was a phrase Felicity has said many times throughout her life. She begins to tear up as this woman, who has accepted her being an assassin and all, would believe that no man would love her- especially Oliver. Sara gets to the Foundry and finds Digg and Oliver there. Both men ask about Felicity, and Sara replies that she is sleeping right now and is okay. With that, Digg goes home to be with Lyla as she just came back from a mission today. Sara looks at Oliver, and he can tell something happened.

Oliver is unable to handle the intense emotions he is feeling after seeing Felicity shot, Digg saying Felicity felt left out, and then for her to say she USED to be his girl. As always, when confronted with intense emotions, Oliver chooses to hide or ignore until he doesn’t feel them anymore or refuses to do anything about it. He looks at Sara, and sees her looking sad but also some other emotion that he can’t place. He goes to take a step forward, he REALLY just wants to forget everything for a moment, but sees Sara take a step back. Oliver looks confused, but then Sara just says she’s going to patrol for a moment then visit Laurel.

“Sara what happened?” Oliver just doesn’t understand why Sara is turning away in this moment. Normally she needs to lose herself and forget things too.

“I….I….Let’s just say this isn’t working out for me anymore, and I just need some space,” Sara then goes to leave but stops on the steps as Oliver calls out to her.

“What is going on Sara? Why?”

“This isn’t good. We only bring out the darkness in each other, and I just realized that the one who brings happiness, light, and joy is consumed by darkness- yet she’s chooses the light. You need someone who brings out the light in you. Unfortunately the one to do it……just said to me ‘He doesn’t love me. He’ll NEVER love me. It’s okay.’ “ Sara races away unable to see Oliver slowly work out what Sara told him. She doesn’t see Oliver looking like his world is shattered, but she can guess because that is how she feels in that moment too. That neither of them saw the pain that Felicity was dealing with, and Sara realized she never asked Felicity about her past. In fact, she’s pretty sure NO ONE has….maybe Digg….but how can they be so selfish that they don’t even know Felicity’s story? 

The next day Felicity comes into work, and Oliver and Digg are surprised since both told her to stay at home. She then makes a quip that the company would fall if Oliver was left alone for a day. Digg notices that she looks tired again; the oxycodone should have knocked her out the entire night.

She just puts on a smile and said, “stupid brain gave me dreams that woke me up…..couldn’t go back to sleep after that”, she shrugs.

“You had nightmares?” Oliver looks guilty and like HE didn’t get much sleep last night either. Though Felicity refuses to think of what he and Sara could have been doing to keep him up all night.

“Nope. Not nightmares, so no feeling guilty. Like I said- dreams,” Felicity then gives a small smile and turns around to get to her desk in order to start the day.

“I keep telling her to tell me what her reoccurring dream is,” Digg looks resigned as he sees his surrogate little sister tense slightly as she sits in her chair, but he knows there is no way a scar from a bullet would keep Felicity Smoak from working. Especially after the way she has been feeling.

“Reoccurring dream?” Oliver looked thoughtful and concerned. Digg misread it as guilt that Felicity was having nightmares.

“Nope some dream she has once awhile that keeps her up. She tells me it isn’t a nightmare, but just something she avoids. Then babbled about dreams and what scientific evidence shows…..then I just back off. Haven’t you noticed that occasionally she comes to work looking extra tired? Whenever I ask, she'll just reply 'it was that dream again.' She’ll tell me one of these days what it is, but until then- I help her out with coffee runs…..a LOT of coffee runs.” Digg gives a shrug and Oliver sees him go to Felicity, presumably to ask her if she wants coffee. Oliver smiles as he can see Felicity getting so happy and giving Digg a side hug. Yet the smile is short lived because the intense feelings and emotions that Oliver has been running from for some time…..they just came back to him in full force and this time he can’t turn away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felicity's mantra of "He doesn't love me. He NEVER will love me. I'll be okay." has been going on her entire life. She tailors it for certain people sure, but it has been become part of her identity by the time Team Arrow is created. Sara finds out a bit more, but mainly ends up extremely angry at Oliver for how he's treated Felicity. The team then gets an eye opening experience in that they don't know Felicity Megan Smoak, MIT Class of 09 as well as they thought. Her past is about to collide with her present, and the only question remains- at the end of this will ANYONE ever choose to stay or will they all leave Felicity afterward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I heard your pleas and went to write a sequel. Annnddd.....suddenly this happened. I blame your lovely words of support and the fact I've been up since 6 am (3:45am now) and I wrote this instead of sleeping. That being said- I own up to all this horribleness, and if it sucks let me know! This kind of seriously got away from me, and there are major cannon and timeline issues. Basically everyone lives (Yay!), Malcolm is evil but part of the team (Go Captain Jack!) and Nyssa is also part of the team when she doesn't do things for the League (I heart Nyssa).

Oliver looks both happy and sad in this very moment, Sara thinks to herself. She however feels downright weird in regards to the whole situation. Within only a short period time, since Sara and Oliver broke it off- not that there was anything to break off from, Slade returned with his curse of Mirakuru. The League was able to help out, which Sara was happy because she reconnected with Nyssa, who currently was looking like the most exotic being within Verdant. Sara pulls her closer and kisses her hair, while Nyssa just side-eyes Sara but does a mini-smirk that could be interpreted as a smile. The League had also been after Malcolm, but somehow the little weasel was able to get his freedom- Sara was still unsure how THAT happened. Granted Oliver is still pissed that Malcolm began to train Thea, Sara could see that Oliver was finally viewing “his” family, the one he thought he would never have. At Verdant in the VIP section sat: Oliver, Digg, Lyla, Thea, Malcolm, Sara, Nyssa, Laurel, Tommy, and with Felicity at the other end of their half circle sitting. Sara watched how Oliver acted around Felicity since Sara broke it off, but as it stands, nothing has changed. She even talked to Nyssa, who even AGREED that Oliver and Felicity were in love with each other, but that it seems neither has any idea. Well that’s not true, Oliver DOES know how Felicity feels, but he isn’t doing anything besides more shoulder touching and using a soft voice. Sara has hung out with Felicity enough times to realize that the blonde has absolutely no clue that Oliver even feels an inkling of romantic interest, and last night she found out why and Sara was still furious with Oliver.

FLASHBACK to night before- (Author’s Note: YES they completely SUCK but its necessary….so sorry but not sorry?)

“Hey Felicity what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be celebrating for helping defeat Slade once and for all?” Sara came up and then hugged Felicity’s back. Felicity swiveled in her chair and smiled.

“I just wanted to check on something real quick, and then I’m going home.” Felicity chuckled as Sara’s hugging resumed causing them to lose balance a bit.

“Should I be worried why my Beloved is found in another’s arms?” Nyssa asked coolly but her eyes showcased amusement.

“EEK! No no no. No worries needed here. This situation (pointing between herself and Sara) is not happening ever. I mean I guess it could happen in the future at some point, but I highly doubt it- even though you are beautiful Sara. (Looking scared at Nyssa) NOT to say that YOU aren’t beautiful too. You both are. In fact if I wasn’t so stuck up on males I’d be…..” Felicity shut her lips to stop her babble. Nyssa was full on smiling at Felicity’s anxiety and babble, a sight that was to behold as so few times has Sara seen Nyssa smile in public.

“You’d be stuck on us? Is that what you were going to say?” Sara finishes for Felicity, who to her credit still has her lips in a lock to prevent any more speaking.

“You have fought valiantly Felicity Smoak MIT of 09. You should be celebrating with your loved ones, are you not?” Nyssa asks but then frowns at the brief flash of resignation that passes on Felicity’s face.

“Well like I was telling YOUR Beloved, aka Sara, I just wanted to check up on something for a sec then off to home I go. Which it looks like everything is okay, so bye you guys I’ll see you in 2 days as I think everyone deserves some time off. Thank you Nyssa for your help along with the League’s,” Felicity gives Sara a hug and then gives Nyssa one as well. Felicity realized after the fact it probably isn’t a good idea to be hugging assassins that aren’t all for physical touching, but surprisingly Nyssa (after a second of hesitation) hugged Felicity back. Felicity was half-way up the steps when Sara realized something.

“Wait!”

“What?” Felicity turned around confused.

“You are just going home? What about celebrating?!” Sara exclaimed and even did a dramatic flourish with her arms upward. Felicity just gave a small smile.

“No….I think I’ll just go home and sleep. Have fun though.” Felicity gives a parting smile and turns to go up the steps.

“But this is the time for celebrating!! We stopped crazy psycho super soldiers! That deserves at least some drinks or partying. Besides you shouldn’t be alone after tonight,” Sara had started off having fun but realized half-way through that Felicity really had no one to go home or party with. Laurel was with Tommy. Digg was with Lyla. Thea, Oliver, and disgustingly Malcolm were at the loft to relax and work on their family issues. Sara only stopped by the Foundry for her go-bag as she was leaving with Nyssa later in the week, and so wanted her stuff with her at the League’s safe house. It surprised Sara how Felicity, who really was the driving spirit behind the win, was alone and in the Foundry…..it wasn’t right.

“Why don’t you hang with me and Nyssa? Nyssa hasn’t been fully accustomed to some of the more intense American drinks” Sara smiled and winked while Felicity looked confused. Nyssa actually gave a small chuckle and helped out the genius blonde.

“She means to get me drunk.” Nyssa deadpanned. Felicity actually smiled at both of them, and it seemed in that instance that Felicity no longer was given a choice. Since Sara, followed by Nyssa who seemed to understand what Sara was doing, both grabbed either side of her to force her to come.

“Really….you guys don’t have to…really…besides I’m meaner than I look….” Felicity trying to decline politely as she just wanted to be alone. It’s all she’s ever really known and it helps her think……also it helps her survive too.

“You are a genius are you not? Is it wise to disagree with two top members of the League of Assassins, let alone the Heir to the Demon?” Nyssa looked and was shocked to see Felicity roll her eyes and then give a little ‘okay.’

While drinking a variety of alcohol, it became clear that Nyssa was immune to getting drunk, and so then the attention was put back on Felicity and to get HER drunk. It would have seemed unlikely, but the trio had a lot of fun telling stories from hacking the FBI (“Does it REALLY count as a crime if it’s just so damn easy?” Felicity whined), to the various entertaining stories from Nyssa and Sara. Felicity especially liked the part where on a dare Sara had to steal The Demon’s favorite comb, and when caught, the Demon only told Sara that she would have better luck if she looked in the unlocked vanity drawer and then had left. It was so much fun, and Sara decided that Felicity was enough drunk to actually begin talking about things she normally avoided. That’s how Sara and Nyssa found out about Oliver, or better yet how Oliver does not feel “THAT way” towards Felicity. Felicity briefly had a flash of sadness but then her tone and face became neutral, almost robotic, when she told the deadly assassins how before Russia there had been a possibility of hope, only for Isabel to happen, then what Oliver said after THAT, followed by Oliver getting together with Sara. Felicity made sure to tell Sara she held nothing against her, and Felicity got so worked up at possibly hurting her friend’s feelings she near hyperventilated. 

When Sara told Felicity it was okay, and that she was sorry to have caused Felicity pain by making her feel less than what she is- Felicity just brushed it off that it was no big deal and she’s used to it. Nyssa raised an eyebrow at that statement, yes Nyssa was a scary badass member of the League, but she began to frown and look sad that her FRIEND (so few could ever hope to have that title- Felicity Smoak being the 2nd person in the world) felt that all the time. When Felicity passed out, Sara and Nyssa looked down at her sleeping form and when they looked at each other, they were PISSED. All one would have to see is that these two were protective of the innocent and those they hold close, and in this instance, they would harm Oliver Queen for his manipulative ways of continuously breaking the heart and spirit of one Felicity Smoak. Sara texted Oliver to meet her in the Foundry, and when Oliver came down, he saw Sara and Nyssa looking murderous.

“You BASTARD!” Sara slaps the HELL out of Oliver, who only looks confused and immediately on the defensive, as he perceives Sara as a threat in this moment.

“Sara! What? Huh?”

“ ‘You can’t BE with someone you CARE about due to the life you live?’ THEN you get with me? No I’m not pissed that you got with me, because we both knew the score- we cared but weren’t in love. However, had I KNOWN that Felicity was IN LOVE with you then we NEVER would have happened. But nooooo, I didn’t know which is my only solace that my friend forgave me, and that she hid her sadness well. YOU KNEW though. That’s why you said it, and to make matters worse- you get with me to rub it in her face! You aren’t supposed to be Ollie anymore, and that is what HE would have done. To run away from any intense feelings you don’t self-destruct; you DESTROY those that care about you instead. You just….HOW….HOW could you be so CRUEL to her?” Sara controls her emotions to at least not cry, but Oliver can hear the emotion in her voice. 

“What are you guys talking about? Wait…did Felicity tell you all of this?” Oliver began, but then was slapped, punched in the stomach, and flipped to the ground by Nyssa. Oliver now is trying to concentrate on how to breathe.

“You will not blame Felicity Smoak, MIT of 2009. She only told us after being highly….and hilariously….inebriated to the point after much questioning did she tell. In fact, I believe she would never have spoken if we did not supply her with that last round of shots, you should admire her resolve.” Nyssa nods as if her point is made.

“Listen, this thing with Felicity….” Oliver began as if to explain.

“IS OVER and NEVER going to happen. THAT’s what I’m trying to yell at you for!” Sara yells then punches Oliver in the chest and kicks his torso so he is lying again on the floor.

“Stop attacking me. Wait what? What do you mean over and never going to happen?” Oliver went from defensive, to confused, to angry/aggressive, which Sara automatically understood that Oliver thinks she and Nyssa threatened Felicity some way.

“Oh you HAD your chance. You’ve been having SO. MANY. GODDAMN. CHANCES! I even told you- ‘He doesn’t love. He will NEVER love me. It’s okay.’ Ring a bell? I never understood why Felicity never saw how much you cared. Oh don’t get me wrong I KNOW that girl has some secrets within her life that attributes to that mantra of hers…..but YOU. I wondered how she could not see it when it came to YOU….then she told me tonight. You know what? I HATE myself right now, because you USED me to BREAK her! And you DID. You realize she is like a robot now when she talks about how you feel about her? ‘I’m only his partner or Girl Wednesday.’ She has zero emotion when talking, except maybe she will fake a smile for anyone around her, but that girl who is the embodiment of life, happiness, faith, JOY is reduced to a damn robot when it comes to her heart at this moment. She only finally got sad and showed SOMETHING when she was so drunk she ‘most likely won’t remember it anyhow and if she does then it will just be a dream’ her words.” With that Sara sees Oliver absorbing her words, but she is too far gone in her anger, so Sara attacks and after one minute, Oliver is heavily bruised around his torso, exhausted, hurting, and again lying down on the floor after being flipped again. With that Sara and Nyssa hold hands look at Oliver with equal parts of sympathy and disgust, then walk out together to go back to the safe house and make sure their friend is safe.

When Oliver came back to the loft (very, very slowly since he was in pain) he was glad that both Thea and Malcolm seemed to be asleep. Oliver wasn’t in the best place to be the loving brother or even remain civil to Malcolm- even though Oliver began liking him, because Malcolm had begun mending fences with Tommy and even though he was training Thea….Oliver had to admit Thea seemed better now that she had some control back. In this instance though, Oliver wanted solitude to go over what Sara and Nyssa said. Oliver takes one of “Digg’s aspirins” to deal with the physical pain, but as the drug affects his mind, Oliver begins to have two different dreams. The first he has is one where Felicity is his, they have a house, they do weekly dinners with all of Team Arrow, then they get married, but mainly Oliver has this feeling of home, being loved, happy and content with life. The second dream is more a nightmare in which he sees a montage of every choice he has made with Felicity. He sees the pain, sadness, and hurt flashing across her face whenever he mentioned or came from Laurel, McKenna, Helena, Sara….but it was the acceptance on her face that hurt him the most. He sees how the touches and smiles affected her, but after Isabel and then Sara, he now notices the details he missed before-mainly how much forced she seems to be at times and how that look of acceptance whenever she saw him with another woman- that spoke volumes. It’s what Sara said. How could Felicity feel any pain regarding a future with Oliver if he clearly chooses everyone else? Felicity felt hurt because she still thought of a future with him in some possibility, but her acceptance means that she no longer feels that it could ever happen. Sara was right, he screwed up. Oliver dreams he is talking to Felicity, BEGGING her to see how much he loves her and cares. Dream Felicity just looks down in sympathy.

“Oliver you don’t love me. You never did.” Dream Felicity puts her hand on his cheek.

“BUT I DID! I DO! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!” Oliver is screaming at the top of his lungs in his dream for Dream Felicity to believe him.

“No you don’t.” Dream Felicity states calmly. “IF you did, then you wouldn’t have thrown all my feelings back at me. You only wanted me for a pep talk, someone to cheer you on when you needed it, but then ignored me the rest of the time. You didn’t love me.”

“I did it BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! I couldn’t be with you due to my enemies, but I was just so lonely and afraid. So I got with Sara since it would mean nothing. I couldn’t have you, you deserve so much better, and I just had to let you go and make sure that you could never be mine,” Oliver drops to his knees and cries at the end. Dream Felicity then goes onto her knees so she is looking right at him; she tilts her head as if thinking, and then looks at him with a somber expression.

“I think I prefer that you didn’t love me, because then it makes sense to me. Any other way is cruel Oliver. So incredibly cruel and mean. You think that I deserve better? (Oliver nods) Better than what? The man I LOVE purposefully choosing every woman with a pulse but me? A man that constantly makes me feel like I’m less than what I actually am? A man that I TOLD my greatest fear was losing those that I cared about, losing him, and instead he leaves me every chance he has? Tell me….is that what you mean by me having a better life? IS IT? Because you may delude yourself that you are being noble, when in fact you are being a scared little boy that is lashing out instead of the man I know you can be, a hero who fights for what he believes in. So which is it? You want me to have a better life by making me the most miserable I have EVER been within my life or that you just don’t believe in us, in me, to fight for it?” Dream Felicity then walks away, and Oliver pops out of bed as if he was attacked. He’s drenched from sweat, and he is unable to shake the dreams he had. When he goes to get ready, he looks in the mirror and sees his chest and stomach covered with bruises from Sara and Nyssa’s attack.

When Oliver was having breakfast with Thea and Malcolm, Thea mentions that there should be a celebration of “epic proportions.” Malcolm just laughed at Thea’s excitement and agreed he’d do anything, while even Oliver smirked. This then led to the entire V.I.P. section of Verdant, being blocked off, and only open for Team Arrow. Everyone came, minus Roy but that’s because he’s always late, and it seemed like everyone was ready to blow off some steam and just be happy that they were victorious. There had been miraculously no casualties, and Team Arrow was able to stop it (with help) pretty successfully. No it seemed like everything was going great and of course you get a bunch of warriors together they automatically begin comparing scars and stories. Tommy was way too excited to show his scar on his stomach from the CNRI collapse that he survived. Thea left to go get Roy who just arrived, and Felicity had checked out of the conversation for a bit, since she didn’t have any stories she was willing to share. Not to them-most likely never.

Roy comes bounding up to the VIP section and says hello then goes “Hey Blondie! Having fun away from your babies?” while giving Felicity a hug. Thea then walks up with a man behind her carrying some drinks.

“Thanks so much for carrying the tray. It’s hard to do that in heels…” Thea said nicely to the man, who began to smile a predatory and flirty one.

Thea had been blocking the man when they had come to the VIP section, but when Felicity heard his voice her blood had ran cold. She opened her purse quickly grabbed what she needed, and toed off her shoes. No one was really paying too much attention since Thea could more than protect herself, besides with all of Team Arrow and affiliates there, she was in no danger. However, when the man gave a creepy smile, raised his hand to grab her arm and took a step forward, Felicity took action.

“Well thanks but….HEY!” Thea tried to turn down the guy quickly only for Felicity to run and get in between her and the douchebag. Felicity also knocked Thea a little back so that she started to fall into Oliver’s lap. The team was instantly on alert, as Felicity was in a fighting stance with a baton out and at the man’s throat.

“Awww why do you have to be like this Fliss?” the man cooed gently as if he isn’t afraid.

“Awww why must you be an idiot Derek? Also I’d be gentle, this is my own design, you have to love a baton that when fully extended has the ability to act like a taser too” Felicity gives a neutral tone.

“I was just going to….” Derek begins by pointing towards Thea.

“I KNOW what you were GOING to do. Answer is no. She will not be harmed.” Felicity sees how subtly the team is getting ready for a fight, while simultaneously shocked at Felicity’s behavior and technique- Felicity has held a baton before and looks like she knows how to use it. Felicity looks over Derek’s shoulder to see 4 other men staring at them, and Felicity briefly pales before masking her face again. 

“Don’t you want to say hi to the guys Fliss? They miss you….”

“HEY!” Oliver no longer able to be quiet shouts next to Felicity. Derek just smirks and looks menacingly between Oliver and Felicity.

“Calm down man. We are just old friends catching up” Derek says with a threat in his voice.

“You will leave Starling City now” Felicity states coldly, and when Derek makes a comment about Laurel, Felicity’s other baton she had been hiding in her hand fully extends. Derek just lifts an eyebrow and nods to Felicity.

“You get this round Fliss. I will leave this club without further ado, but first…..” Derek looks to Oliver and looks back to Felicity and speaks Latin, “Haec est enim vita vestra? (Is this the love of your life?)”

“Quod est negotium tuum (That is none of your business). Surgite et egredimini a nunc (Get out now).” Felicity states coldly, and everyone but Malcolm and Nyssa look confused.   
“Hahaha. Ille est ! O nimium est bonum. Novit quod homo habeat Felicitas Smoak? Vel dicendum est melius quam tamen non contingit ? Tamen solus es ? Nemo curat amare te Adhuc dicunt lacus dixti cunctis diebus vitæ tuæ ? Alterum quod creavit matrem , cui pater et omnium qui unquam reliquit?”

(He is! Oh this is just too good. Does he know what happens when a man loves Felicity Smoak? Or better yet how it never happens? Are you still alone? No one to love you or care for you? Do you still say the mantra you have been saying all your life? The one that you created for your mother, your father, and then everyone who has always left you?)

Felicity just stares neutrally when her face masked to hide her emotions. She learned long ago that for some people, especially those like Derek, they view emotion as a weakness and will use that against you. 

“Derelinquamus eam . (Leave now)” Felicity barks out.

“Okay you win Fliss. I’ll leave….Donec lacus dicas ei. (As long as you say the mantra to him)” Derek motions with his fingers, and Felicity sees the men below are watching. They also begin to take steps to go towards the club partygoers.

Felicity nods and retracts her batons. She then turns to Oliver and says “He doesn’t love me. He will never love me. It’s okay”

Derek shakes his head “that’s not how it ends Smoak….tsk tsk” and he actually does the brushing of his fingers towards her. Felicity rolls her eyes causing Derek to smirk.

“How could he? You happy? It’s been said. Terms were set, you leave now.” Felicity is in a fighting stance.

“Yes! Ooo the part I love best is your acceptance…you believe it! You actually believe it, but I guess you can’t mess with facts- that’s what you always used to say. Stand down Fliss, I’d hate for you to get your dress ruined….amazing what can happen after some years. It’s like you…reinvented yourself….wonder what will happen next time? Oh well, Infinity times Infinity in case you forget.” 

Felicity stands rigid as Derek saunters back down, and Felicity and Team can see Derek and his men leave. Felicity then races down to the Foundry while simultaneously trying to call someone. Apparently that person was available, and she was told to leave a message.

“No I don’t want to leave a message!” Felicity screams at the phone and then immediately gets into her “hacking mode” and within seconds is into a casino’s security system. The Team has been following her, and she yells for them to back up or be on camera. They do as commanded, even Nyssa and Malcolm, as the whole group is still trying to process what Felicity has done.

“Ahem. Felicity WHAT did I say about you hacking into the casino?” an older and rounder man came on screen. He was dressed as casino security but he had kind eyes.

“That it’s so freakin’ easy that I should do it to test the IT dimwits that you guys have hired?” Felicity responds immediately and the security man chuckles.

“I believe the words I used were ‘don’t.’” Then all laughter dies does and he gives Felicity a grave look. “What’s going on? You wouldn’t hack casino security to talk to me….well anymore…if it’s not urgent.”

“Derek’s back. You need to look after Mom. DON’T tell her though.” Felicity winces at the last part.

“I am not keeping any secrets from your mother. I love her and I wouldn’t do that,” he doesn’t look happy with Felicity’s request and also looks disappointed. “Come home and we can take it from there.”

“No! Fine tell her, but that I will be out of contact for a week. If she tries to come find me….” Felicity takes a deep breath but looks the man in the eyes “tell her I said for her to remember whose daughter I am. I have the skills….”

Oliver sees Malcolm looking impressed by Felicity statement, while Lyla looks sad and the rest of the team has varying degrees of shock and not believing that Felicity just stated she would leave her mother and disappear forever.

“You would do that?”

“I would…and I WILL if it comes to that. Now I love you and I love her, but…..I have to do this” Felicity nods as her mom’s boyfriend and family friend just looks at her with paternal disappointment but nods reluctantly his acceptance.

“Thank you” Felicity says with sincerity and then cuts off communication. Right after she begins to walk back and forth with nervous energy, and suddenly has difficulty breathing. 

“Felicity what’s happening? What just happen?” Digg comes and hugs her but as she is squirming he looks at her “What’s wrong?”

“Panic…..attack….soon” Felicity wheezes out as she is trying to restrain her brain. She begins getting lost in thought regarding Derek, Oliver, the team, her life in Starling, her past, everything becomes too much. 

“Malcolm. Nyssa. Need you- fight.” Felicity has her batons and with a flick of either wrist she extends both batons to there fullest.

“WHERE do you think you are going?” Digg threatens as he and Oliver move to block Malcolm.

“She is having a panic attack, and she needs to re-direct that so she can deal. You both should know what that feels like? She’s obviously choosing me and Nyssa, in case she has to go as hard as possible. She will hold back if it’s any of you “ Malcolm makes a general sweep of his hand to the rest of the group in the Foundry. Malcolm, with a bo staff for his weapon, goes into the ring that they have for training, and Felicity takes out a little remote off the side and presses a button. Soon music can be heard. There is Felicity in a gold flowy dress down to her knees, hair in a hasty ponytail, contacts in and she is wearing no shoes. Malcolm briefly takes off his jacket and quickly his shoes and socks, and as the music plays they spar. The song playing is “Turn Down for What” and the team is HIGHLY surprised (along with Malcolm) that Felicity is holding her own, and that Malcolm is not holding back. At one point to push Felicity, Malcolm is able to grab her and turn her to face the team.

“Quod si infirmi sumus , omnes similiter peribitis . Pugnant! (They will all die if you are weak. Fight!)” Malcolm says loudly in her ear. Just then a big instrumental part of the song comes on, and Felicity loses all emotion then fights fast and too much for Malcolm that she actually knocked him on the floor after hitting him a number of times with the batons, and then before she could do more, Nyssa comes into the match. Oliver and company only watch dumbfounded as the babbling blonde who loves colors, dresses, hates kangaroos and unable to throw a punch correctly, is able to hold her own against Malcolm AND Nyssa. Malcolm backed away once he went to the ground, and watched as Felicity fought Nyssa. Nyssa and Malcolm were clearly better trained and were able to hit Felicity, but the amazing part was Felicity was able to get in quite a few herself with her batons at each assassin. Finally Felicity takes a step back, and does 3 deep breaths as if to calm herself from everything happening. She gives a full smile to Nyssa and a mini-smile to Malcolm thanking them with gratitude, then looks at the team.

“Soooo that just happened.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? A big HELL NO why did you write this? All comments appreciated!


	3. Italian Mob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More is discovered about Felicity's past, and the basis of her mantra comes into light a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT! I did this one as quick as possible as I'll be off this weekend hanging with friends. Also with work it's been stressful, so cutting into my writing time. Hope you all like it! Sorry for any horribleness as I always own up to it.

Previously- “Soooo that just happened.”

 

Team Arrow was still in shock. It reminded Felicity of when she was younger and would have difficulty with a problem. That the information before her had just not made sense with whatever she had been trying to solve. All of Team Arrow was staring and frowning in confusion as if they couldn’t compute how THIS version of Felicity fit with how THEY saw her prior.

“Very well done Ms. Smoak. You are so full of surprises- though your technique needs some work…..” Malcolm praised (which made Felicity conflicted with her feelings, experiencing equal parts of pride and disgust of Malcolm’s approval.) However, this seemed to be what snapped Oliver out of being lost in thought.

“You will NOT be training her!” Oliver growled out loudly.

“Haha my dear boy, she is ALREADY trained. I’m just offering my assistance to her improvement.” Malcolm gave Oliver a patronizing look while giving a genuine small smile of being impressed towards Felicity.

“You fought well,” Nyssa said with a small hug of support, as she saw Felicity going through a fast wave of emotions- pride, sadness, confusion, guilt, shame, and a small amount of joy at being able to go toe to toe with Malcolm and Nyssa. Neither assassin had gone easy on her at the end of each fight.

“How…what….where and when were you trained? Also I’m confused on how you can go up against two highly skilled assassins with batons but unable to correctly throw a punch to a punching bag…” Dig was HIGHLY confused but easily accepted Felicity as he always was able to quickly assess a situation. Felicity began to fidget under the scrutiny of the team.

“Well let’s just say it became obvious from the start that me and coordination were not on good terms, since I can fall over air. The fact I can walk in heels should be damn near impossible. However, with a weapon like batons or something similar to them, it helps with my coordination, balance, and I am able to typically react better than with hand to hand combat- which tends to be too fast for my body to process or see. So I really am not lying when I tell you….all….that I truly SUCK at defensive or offensive battles if I am not given a weapon.” Felicity gave a small deprecating smile.

“Okay that makes sense in a way. Same thing happened with me when I first started training with Malcolm” Thea said in a soft voice, because the Foundry had never been so quiet since Team Arrow had moved in.

Felicity was nodding, “Yeah that’s what my trainer had said too. That the weapons gave me confidence too, something tangible in my hand….which we all know me and my brain, though I love theoretical physics and everything, I prefer tangible proof more.”

“Why were you EVER trained?” Oliver looked pained as if the thought of Felicity fighting went against all emotions he ever had for Felicity. A reason he had went to Sara over Felicity, besides the intense emotions he was running from when looking at Felicity, it was that Sara could defend herself should she ever be attacked. Also, should Sara be killed or injured, as bad as it sounds- Oliver would be able to move on….he’d feel guilt and responsibility but he would not break. If he were to get with Felicity and she get hurt…..Oliver’s heart stopped at the mere possibility of it all, knowing he would shatter.

“So what’s the story? Because those were some KICKASS moves! And very few people can go up against League members- especially Nyssa,” Sara said with pride and curiosity, while Nyssa and her shared there own silent message of love and pride as well.

“Okay long story short, I grew up being best friends with someone….let’s say coming from a family that did less legal things? Me and him were mainly inseparable and always were together since the moment we met.” Felicity’s brief moment of a smile in remembrance suddenly turned into deep depression, “One day something bad happened and I was unable to stop it, protect him, or save him.” Her voice briefly breaks but her face and body language has gone robotic- which it tends to do when Felicity is fighting showing any intense emotions in front of others.

“Who was the family?” Roy asked, as he did come from the Glades but had also traveled east at one point. He understood the reference to “family” quicker than anyone else.

“My best friend was the only son to Christian Tolonia of the Tolonia family…..one of the head families in the Italian mob. They had a base of operations in Vegas…..” Felicity shrugs as the rest of the team looks on with shock and surprise that Felicity had been part of the mob life. Not only that, she was best friends with what sounded like the prince of a head family. That blew everyone’s mind.

“What happened exactly?” Oliver asked but he saw Felicity give him a look.

“What happened on the island? See? Not so fun when asked for details that I am unwilling to give.” Felicity took a deep breath. “It was part of an assassination plot to take out Niccolo, that was my best friend, so that way Derek could be the heir to the family. He was next in line as Tolonia had no more children after Niccolo. At the time of his murder….I was with him and unable to stop it….I was too weak” Felicity now has unshed tears in her eyes.

Oliver can’t take it anymore and goes up to hug Felicity and give her the only comfort he knows how. 

“You are NOT weak” he says so softly a statement only meant for her ears.

Felicity snorted in a bitter way that made Oliver take a step back in confusion, “Yeah….sure…right. Look Oliver I know you think I’m weak, so you don’t have to say anything you don’t mean just because I’m sad.”

The statement had Oliver’s face scrunched up in adorable confusion and shock at Felicity’s words, but it was the pain in them that had him from saying anything else. He tried to quickly flashback through all his interactions to see where he EVER said or gave him the impression that she was weak. He knew it was true in the fighting sense- well it used to be….but now Oliver realized with a sudden regret and embarrassment. Felicity could handle herself but she was one never to really defend herself against what the team said unless it was about her hacking abilities- which she would get indignant….but that only happen after SHOWCASING her ability. Meaning she accepted everyone’s idea that she was weak and vulnerable, the opposite of the truth in some ways, but she wouldn’t defend her abilities to a friend or family….she would simply take that they see her as “less than” them. 

“I’m sorry- I never knew….” Oliver tried again.

“Yeah and you were never going to know unless required. Which it was as he was going to go after Thea. I have a couple of theories about why he’s here, but first I need to call Christian Tolonia to get all the facts before I say anything. So….you may want to get out of camera sight, unless you want to say why you are next to me while we both discuss history and family business.”

“Of course Ms. Smoak, we will step back. And thank you for defending Thea….” Malcolm gave Felicity a hug of appreciation that had Felicity and the entire team FLOORED. Felicity was frozen in shock, but then returned the hug. She understood what it was like to have the ones you love under threat.

“Okay here goes nothing, and sorry if we talk Latin. Tolonia had Niccolo learn Latin as a way to have private discussions in a room full of overs, because he viewed Italian as too easy to translate. Which of course meant I had to learn it as well….Niccolo had so much difficulty in school and studying.” Felicity gives another brief smile, and knew that the team had questions regarding her ability to understand and speak another language- well other than Binary or Computer code.

Before she went to the keyboard, she made sure everyone was out of the camera’s line of sight. That’s where she caught Oliver watching her with hurt, because she knew he was feeling betrayed in some sense that he never knew that about her. Which made Felicity feel anger towards him. HE made it CLEAR that he wanted to relationship or had any romantic feelings for her….and yet he was acting like a hurt boyfriend for not being told every LITTLE thing about her. How dare he! It’s not like she pesters him about HIS past, because she respects he will tell her when the time is right. It’s the thought that he is acting like he actually CARES about her that is throwing her off a bit, but she tries to reign in her emotions. 

“He doesn’t think of you like that, “ Felicity tried to calm herself. 

“Non amo te. Numquam amo te. Quomodo eiusdem esse poterit ? Erit fine . (He doesn’t love you. He will never love you. How could he? It will be okay)” Felicity began saying to herself at Oliver’s longing looks that she is sure she is interpreting incorrectly. However her heart can’t help but think of the maybes….NO…lock that down Smoak! She keeps muttering it will pacing, and is given looks by the team. The kind when she talks out loud and doesn’t realize it.

“What?”

“You were talking in Latin again. I guess even in another language Blondie babbles!” Roy laughs while Sara, Thea, Lyla, and Digg take in Nyssa and Malcolm’s expressions. They hide it well, but whatever she was saying made Nyssa actually show sadness in her eyes, as well as understanding. She gives Sara a brief shack of her head that Digg catches with a confused eyebrow lifted. Thea notices Malcolm tilting his head a bit as if analyzing what Felicity was saying.

As Felicity strongly hit her keyboard, Oliver could tell she was trembling. He wasn’t sure if it was out of fear, anger, sadness, or a combination of the three. The more he stared at her, taking in all her details, Oliver realized that he did not really know Felicity Smoak that well. In some ways he could argue that he knows her better than she knows herself, but on others…..he’s lost and has no clue who she is, was, or will be. Oliver looks over to Digg, and both seem to be on the same page because they know something isn’t right…..well isn’t right-er. The big screen monitor came to life, and with it came Christian Tolonia, looking every bit like the Godfather as well as being one of the heads of a major Italian family in New York.

“Awww Felicity! Long time no see! What is so urgent that it requires you HACKING into a highly esteemed businessman’s computer system?” Christian asked but with an amusement that was evident on his face.

Felicity snorted, “highly esteemed businessman? We have different definitions….” Felicity gave a small smile at their friendly banter, but soon her face fell. Christian sensing a shift in Felicity also sported a grave and serious look.

“Loqui tutum est ? (Is it safe to talk?)” Christian Tolonia asked in Latin, a way to see if Felicity was being coerced into this conversation. Felicity just nodded and replied in Latin that it was safe. Malcolm and Nyssa were acting as translators off camera, as no one thought it wise that a power member of the Italian mob find out about Team Arrow, or at the very least, Oliver as he was still a Bratva Capitan in good standing. 

“It’s Derek. He’s back,” Felicity said but it was without any emotion, like she was hiding behind a mask. What worried Oliver and Digg especially was that Christian not only threw a glass off his desk, and cursed, but then the man looked at Felicity with pity….and devastation. 

“I don’t know how it is possible. He was to be murdered for the atrovisity that occurred to dear Niccolo. Are you sure?” Christian asked but it was with a resigned tone- like he knew Felicity was always sure and to ask was redundant. 

“Yes. I saw him at a club, he was going after a friend, and I intervened. It was him along with Mark, Antonio, and Lucas. You understand what this means right? Unless, is there a power play that you don’t know about or that could happen?” Felicity tilted her head to the side as if thinking.

The old man smiled at the gesture, as did the rest of the Foundry, but everyone noticed how just SAD this supposedly cruel man that has others trembling at his feet. It didn’t make sense, and Thea even saw Malcolm scrunching up his face as if trying to understand.

“Nostis quid hic. (Then you know why he is here.)” Felicity gave a sigh. Christian shook his head no, but Felicity could see the sadness in them. He may not want to admit it, but they both understood that Derek chose this city, this town, and this club- all to get to her. 

“We can’t know that for sure” Chrisitan started to say loudly, and even though he looked in pain as well as murderous, Felicity didn’t flinch.

“Yes we do. I’m sorry but I had to triple check that there wasn’t anything behind the scenes when I asked you. I’ll send you the information, but I was able to dig and find out some things you probably knew….but didn’t want to acknowledge. At the time, it was only a shaky truce that stood in front of an all out war. If someone wanted to make you look weak or the family not a threat, what better way that to murder the heir apparent? The son that was to inherit? I gave you all this information last time, we knew Derek wanted to be next in line, and unfortunately had enough followers that saw HE would be a better pick for Don than Niccolo. But….I found out he had a backer…..” This was all new to Team Arrow, and it seemed like there were so many questions among them. HOW did FELICITY get involved with the Italian Mob? She seems to be even FRIENDLY with the head of the family, and it appears like they have known each other a lifetime. 

Oliver of course briefly thought- who was Niccolo to Felicity? There was shared grief and pain in both Felicity and Christian’s faces, meaning that Felicity knew the prince of the Italian Mob.

Christian looked sick, “A backer? A BACKER?! WHO would DARE to kill my son and attempt to kill you?” 

Thea, Roy and Laurel gasped at that last statement, that someone….this Derek….had not only been responsible for killing this Niccolo but at one time tried to kill Felicity. Thea saw Oliver was in shock, she imagined it had something to do with that pedestal he constantly puts Felicity on. He began to look pained, because of course his main argument of not being with her was to ensure her safety- at the time he didn’t know how unsafe she really was. Or the pain that she had experienced, afterall how can someone with so much light be able to live with all this darkness?

“it was a rival family. It’s in the file. However, it appears the four horseman, I mean they ARE super evil, have gone rogue. Same old same old with Derek. He got passed on a way to rise within the ranks, and he is of course not considering the fact that he doesn’t earn it. Instead for what I gathered quickly, he’s feeling like his life went to hell…..that day. He was supposed to have been named Prince but I stopped that. THEN he gets welcomed into another family, and told his loyalty will be rewarded, except it hasn’t in the eyes of Derek. So he blames me for all of this. Like I said- we both know why he’s come.” Felicity finishes with a small shrug, like there was nothing anyone can do.

“Vult etiam in ultionem excanduit. (He wishes for revenge.)” Tolonia stated.

“Yes. I’m sorry for bothering you with this. I just had to extra-extra check the information,” Felicity suddenly steeled herself.

“You don’t have to do this” the old man softly whispered. So much so that Oliver and them all had to strain to hear. 

Oliver was wondering what the old man meant. Felicity didn’t have to do what? Was she going to try and get herself hurt? Was she going after this guy? Was she going to…..run? Oliver felt a big knot in his stomach at the thought of Felicity no longer being in his life, because if she ran, then she would have to cut all ties. However, she would be safer….right? Oliver, Lyla, and Digg again seemed on the same page as Lyla mouthed ‘run?’- unfortunately those three had experience with ARGUS that just because you run doesn’t mean they don’t find you. Digg shook his head in a ‘I don’t know’’ way and looked hurt.

“Non hoc volo. (He would not want you to do this) Volo te et vivat. (He would want you to live)” Tolonia said, but was stopped from anything else he may have said by Felicity’s pissed off and hurt expression.  
“Tu solus mihi dicere potuerunt effugere. (You are the only person that could get away with saying that to me) Tamen ipsi iudices vestri erunt. (Yet still you are wrong).” Felicity harshly bit out.

“Felicity….” Tolonia was pleading but there was a bit of disappointment in his voice as well. “Niccolo would not want you like this.”

“What more do you want? I’ve changed see? New me and new attitude.” Felicity even twirled to showcase her purple flowy dress.

“Not new. Same inside but different packaging. You have done this once before…..after Niccolo and then after Cooper….same Felicity just outside is different.” He takes a moment to give a soft smile “So quick to hope for others but so quick to disregard yourself….He wouldn’t…” Tolonia then is interrupted by Felicity flinging her phone across the Foundry and everyone hearing it shatter. The fact that FELICITY shattered her brand-new phone, her pride and joy as she designed it to her specifications, had THROWN it in a fit of rage spoke volumes.

“NO! YOU don’t get to say THAT to me! You want to talk about Niccolo? What HE would have wanted? Let me tell you….I HAVE TRIED okay?! When you gave this stupid speech the first time, I aimed for that, what you are talking about. You want to know what I found out? I. WAS. DEFECTIVE. So don’t take Niccolo’s name in vain for a hope or a dream that will NEVER come to pass okay? So no. Niccolo would NEVER have wished that upon me, because after trying so damn hard…..and I did….one time I gave it my all, my everything… only to be……only to be shown what simply is…it won’t happen. That dream will NEVER be in the cards for me” Felicity had started off in a rage only to say the ending with a sad quality, like it was a given.

“I don’t believe that. You chose….” Tolonia stopped talking and looked at Felicity’s face. They both knew he was about to say ‘wrong.’ The dream of LIVING a life (not surviving) and thriving out in the world outside of the Italian mob, had been Niccolo’s dream for Felicity as even though they were best friends, he hadn’t wanted his best friend to be involved in that life. Both Niccolo and Felicity as children had been romantics at heart, and each wished every year that they would meet their soulmate or someone that each would find true love- after everything that happened with people leaving in Felicity’s life, Niccolo kept saying one day the dream of meeting her true love would happen- that it would allow for Felicity to truly have a happy life. (Instead of a guarded one due to the emotional distance of her mother, people constantly belittling her talens/intelligence, and that each time she gave her heart it ended up breaking due to the boy leaving or demeaning her. Tolonia was about to say that Felicity chose the wrong man to give her heart to, but seeing the heartbreak beyond despair on her face, he knew SHE chose right but whoever the boy was- HE chose WRONG.

“Somewhere….the world WOULD stop,” Tolonia now tries to reach Felicity that way, reminding her of a time where Tolonia told grand romantic stories to her and Niccolo. How true love was rare but when it happened, it was a feeling unlike any other. He also said how when you love someone, they become your world (or at least a part), and when something horrible happens to them then it is like your world stopped. Felicity had interjected with science and gravity and other facts that made Tolonia and Niccolo laugh so hard. Niccolo then attempted to put it in terms of science for Felicity (though she never pointed out the inaccurate facts he used), in that the love you feel for a person can be as small as a slice or as big as a planet. If something were to happen to the one you love, well if it is planet sized- it would stop to the point gravity (or life) would be unable to move it for a long time or if at all. If the size was only a sliver, then gravity aka life would continue to move the world around. Tolonia laughed and said that Niccolo had it correct, but that they would each meet someone that their world starts and stops for- that it would be a life worth living.

Felicity and Tolonia were lost in their moment of remembering before Felicity catches his eye, and gives a small smile in sympathy, as if Tolonia really didn’t get it.

“No….it wouldn’t. It would continue as it always has….but it’s okay. It’s easier this way,” Felicity shrugs.

“Surely not! I told you then and I’m telling you NOW- IT’S. NOT. TRUE!” Tolonia runs a hand through his thinning grey hair. “Tu tali gaudio et felicitate (You are such joy and happiness) . Oportet me conveniunt et etiam aliquis credere (Someone must agree and believe it too) . Populus mos requiro vos (People will miss you) . Quis erit ex timore constringitur (Someone out there will be frozen in fear). Nolite intrare certamen amittes (Don’t go into a battle that you will lose). Nisi ... (Unlesss…..)” Tolonia is now seeing Felicity’s plan in place. She can see him finally understanding, because though he was close to guessing she needed him to come to this on his own.

Felicity just steeled her back and nodded her head once. Tolonia nodded it himself, and gave up the finger sign meaning ‘one moment.’ Felicity knew he was going to get someone to witness what he was about to do. Felicity took this time to look at Nyssa and Malcolm, with a smile that showcases everything is alright (putting Team Arrow at ease) Felicity says in Latin for the two assassians to not speak of what comes next. 

“What’s going on Felicity?” Oliver is aware that though Felicity had smiled her way of calming down the team, especially after that outburst that still had Oliver’s head spinning, he knew her fake smile when he saw it. Oliver had a feeling that he would be talking with Malcolm or Nyssa about everything that they translated, because Oliver had a feeling that something was missing….something vital that would destroy them if he didn’t figure it out. 

“Just part of the plan, and I’ll discuss everything afterward. However, I’m going to ask Nyssa and Malcolm not to translate because it will be highly personal. Please if that’s okay?” Felicity looked to Oliver and though his first instinct was to go ‘no’ since it seemed important- Nyssa subtly nodded her head. There was a gleam in Nyssa’s eyes that said THEY would definitely be talking later and to go along with what Felicity wants for the moment. Malcolm saw this exchange between Nyssa and Oliver and gives a grin of his own, along with a highly impressed nod towards Felicity.

“Okay” Oliver said right before Tolonia came right back into view with what looks like 3 men but possibly more, since there was a lot of noise off screen.

“Felicity….I’m sorry but I cannot allow this to happen.”

“Tolonia….” Felicity bites out and she almost looks angry…..almost. Oliver who studies Felicity as much as possible realizes that her fingers are doing the dance they do when Felicity is getting her way in a stressful situation.

“NO! You will do nothing and you will come home. Let it be known that Felicity Megan Smoak is one of ours, and she WILL be coming HOME. You have no choice but to submit and come into the fold. If you don’t, well then your mother…….” Tolonia purposefully means to make it sound suggesting.

“I WILL NEVER GO BACK! You CAN’T make me! I was never a part of the organization. My relationship with Niccolo was friendship but never romantic. You have no grounds…..” Felicity states smugly.

“Really?” Tolonia suddenly transforms into the man that could make many men beg for their lives. He looks like evil and power personified. “Gregory? She claims there are no grounds…..”

“Actually Ms. Smoak there are. Mr. Tolonia had paid for your private schooling from elementary to high school, as well as gave money for food and things that your full ride to MIT did not contribute towards.” Greggory had stated, pleased that he had given Tolonia good news that Felicity could be brought in by “legal” means.

“I believe my dear you stated you would ‘Pay me back for everything’- My collection is simple. You are IN the organization and will do tech support until I deem your debt is paid. Should you try and backout, then I’ll just use another in your place….but I doubt Donna can even turn on a computer. Think quickly my dear, should you hide Donna then like I said- another would take your place….a poor innocent.” Tolonia says with a silky smooth voice, the kind that the Devil always uses in horror films.

Felicity looked pissed and torn as if she had no other option, “Fine…..”

Tolonia quirks his eyebrow up, “Fine? Fine what? Do be more specific dear, as I’m sure these numerous men are unable to read that brilliant babbling brain of yours. You were saying?”

Felicity looked defeated as she said in a pained voice, “I’ll be a part of the organization. You happy? How about I go all in and make you an oath. From this moment forward I will be the PROPERTY of the Tolonia family, and I shall submit to their word and laws. I will be viewed as part of the Tolonia organization and I’ll better be damned recognized as such!” 

Tolonia laughs heartily, “My dear what a wonderful oath. I accept it and now in front of my lieutenants it is now binding. Felicity Megan Smoak is now the property of this family and is to be recognized as part of this organization. Her debt, which is tied to me alone, will be fulfilled when I say it is, but as of THIS VERY MOMENT she is now a part of this family.” With that, after Tolonia’s men say that it is now ‘done’ and ‘valid’ that Felicity is part of the family, but before he waves the men away he says, “make sure the other families know that she is OURS. If she tries to jump ship and go to a rival family…..I’ll be displeased….” Then he waved at the men to spread the word, while Felicity put up the appearance of being ‘tricked’ as if she had thought about doing just that. The men left thinking that their boss not only got a brilliant hacker but cornered her into being indefinitely property of the Tolonia family, with death happening to her should she run or go to a rival family. 

Once safe, he winks at her causing them both to laugh at their rouse. Only after seeing Tolonia’s reaction does some of those in the Foundry understand that it was part of Felicity’s plan.

“Utrumque hoc opus est. Suspendisse facere potui die finire modum crucis et mortem meam sino vos justitiam. Aut ego praevaluero et percussero Derek et perfici pro utroque . Utrumlibet enim nihil interest” (Either way it will work out. I could die causing Derek to end his crusade and allowing you to use my death as a way for justice. Or I kill Derek and end it for both of us. Does not matter either way for me.) Felicity said as neutrally as she could.

“Goodbye. Thank you for everything. I can never tell you how much it all meant, and it all means now. Thank you. Please believe me- I am so so very sorry for not being stronger and better. I learned how to be after…..but if only I could have been….I’m so sorry and I hope you forgive me,” Felicity breaks and has tears in her eyes while Tolonia does too.

“Oh sweet pea. There is NOTHING to forgive. I should thank you. Niccolo was alone in the world and lost until he came home talking about his new friend. He described you like the sun, and that had been the first time I’d seen him smile in a long time. You did that for me- brought Niccolo home. He was able to accept his responsabilities and he grew to become a well-respected young man. He did what all great men wish to do when death comes….to die for a cause. His cause was to save you, and I KNOW you fought as hard as possible to save him- I was there in the hospital room when you flatlined but fought to live. (This shocked the team, the fact Felicity had been seriously injured.)You have done nothing to be forgiven for……Just think before you begin this- it’s easier and harder the way you are going, but I understand. I can see you’ve tried but for whatever reason it has not happen, and for that I am sorry for you. It will help you though, because your heart will not break, they won’t be able to use it against you. Afterall you can’t break what is……” Tolonia stops and takes a deep breath. With tears in his eyes his voices breaks, “Goodbye Felicity. “

"Broken" she finishes for him, but now she is completely unaware of the team. Only seeing the man she once thought of as a father, feeling the deep despair of shared grief, as well the wonderful memories of the Tolonia family accepting her (babbling, brains and all) and giving her a sense of belonging. At the time when she felt little, small and insignificant- Christian and Niccolo gave her happiness, love and acceptance. She could never repay either for that. Her world stopped when Niccolo was killed, it never really stopped for Cooper, but both had transformed her into who she was now. She reinvented herself as if to shed the skin of her formerly happy time, like she couldn't deal with any reminder of those that she had loved leaving her consistently. She can see Christian understands based off of his looks, but it made this so much more difficult. Felicity knew what the others did not. He was not saying "goodbye" like you tell friends on the phone or leaving for awhile on vacation. He was telling her that she was important to him, and that he was saying "goodbye" one last time before she dies. This being the last time either will see each other, Felicity finally sheds a tear embracing the moment. Her voice breaks as well when she "Goodbye Christian."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how this goes! :) Again I can attempt to change something if it seems completely horrible...and all of you go... "WHAT?! Was she on Nyquil while writing this?" LOL


	4. Tolonia vs. Oliver Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felicity attempts to deal with the fallout of her conversation.....by of course running away as quick as possible. As Oliver and team learn from Nyssa and Malcolm what exactly had been said in in the video chat, Felicity cuts ties and disappears. Tolonia calls back by video to try and make Felicity see reason....only to see Oliver Queen in full Arrow gear. Let's just say Tolonia is NOT happy with Oliver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay one more chapter and then the end of the story for sure. I'm sorry for leaving you guys hanging for so long. Don't worry I'll finish this regardless by this weekend. Let's just say I was re-reading my story and again got super pissed off at Oliver's behavior....also stressful week so that anger doesn't help poor fictional Oliver....
> 
> Thanks for those that are sticking with the story!

“Felicity what the hell was all of that?” Oliver demanded while the team looked on at Felicity with disbelief. 

“It’s a long and complicated story, that I’m sure Nyssa and Malcolm will fill you in on the translation…..but right now I’m tired and going home.” The truth was Felicity was exhausted and would be going home, but it would be to get supplies before going after Derek and his men. She could only hope the partial truth would be enough to fool all the vigilantes, assassains, and agents within the Foundry.

“Felicity….” Oliver softly pleads, but Felicity is unable to know what he is actually pleading for. Felicity laughs at herself- there’s a shocker, Oliver Queen doesn’t know what he wants.

“I know what I want Felicity” Oliver states with longing while Felicity winces that she said that part out loud.

“Well I’m tired and I need to go home if only to just get in a nap or something….I need to get out right now and be alone. YOU of all people should understand that” Felicity gave Oliver a look, and he knew she was talking about how he bolted to Lian Yu the second time. Oliver looks guiltily at the floor, but then nods his head.

Oliver wants to know everything that had happened during the conversation Felicity had, ESPECIALLY the part where she had mentioned to Malcolm and Nyssa not to translate. He didn’t know what she had been saying, but her body language was off. It was one full of solitary purpose, as if preparing herself for something in the future. The part that did concern him most was the looks Nyssa and Malcolm were giving each other and Felicity as she had talked. Obviously whatever was being said was enough to make two master assassains looked shocked and worried. So on the one hand Oliver wants Felicity to be safe and within eyesight, on the other hand he knows she needs to leave in order to hear everything that was said- since Nyssa at least would tell what Felicity said at the end. Nyssa nor Malcolm would state anything if Felicity were in the room….after all Malcolm had given his word and Nyssa didn’t exactly but would show respect to Felicity and not say anything if the blonde was in the room. Having Felicity going off on her own was stupid, but Oliver knew that the whole team wanted to be able to discuss this without Felicity present. So…..

“Fine Felicity you can go but with three conditions. One, you have this comm in your ears the entire time. Two, you put up your tracker app so we can monitor where you all at all times. Three, you go straight home to pick things up then come right back…you can stay at any of our places but you won’t be spending the night at your home alone.”

“Done.” Felicity said too quickly, and practically ran out of the Foundry after shoving a comm in her ear.

“That was too easy” Lyla muttered.

“Okay so can one of you tell us what the hell just happened?!” Thea asked while looking at Nyssa and Malcolm.

As Malcolm and Nyssa were explaining everything they had heard, because even when simultaneously translating you end up unable to say everything in that moment, and Oliver kept checking Felicity’s comm and tracker almost every 3 seconds. Felicity’s tracker had stated she made it to her townhouse when Nyssa explained what Felicity had not wanted said. Oliver’s face went pale and he immediately went to talk to Felicity through her comm. When she wasn’t answering, he called her cell and she didn’t answer. 

“Something must have happened Ollie” Thea says with horror and sorrow in her voice “We need to get her.”

Suddenly her tracker dot is gone, and her comm is completely offline and unable to be connected. Oliver changes into his Arrow outfit to go after Felicity, as was everyone else in a mask, when all of a sudden her computers began making noise. It appeared as if Tolonia was trying to Skype Felicity, and with Felicity gone, Oliver was unsure whether to take the call or not. In the end, he thought with as much as Tolonia loves Felicity, maybe he could help Team Arrow find her.

“Everyone back out of sight. Felicity obviously isn’t at her place anymore, if she ever was, but maybe this Tolonia guy can help locate her. He cares for her, but I don’t want to reveal anything about our identities.” Oliver says while the team backs up to be out of eye sight of the camera.

“Are you sure that is wise?” Nyssa asks cooly, but Oliver can see she is highly worried about Felicity as well as itching for a fight.

“He does seem to truly love her, like a father does a daughter. He can be trusted in at least Felicity’s safety,” Malcolm stated “but after that I do not know.”

“Let’s hope he can help” Oliver accepts the video chat while saying a silent prayer that this man can help find Felicity. She is a genius and able to disappear with the press of a button, but she is not looking to disappear which is what is making Oliver’s gut churn and heart stop.

“Don’t do this. PLEASE Fel- Oh. It’s YOU. The Arrow…..or do you prefer Oliver Queen?” Tolonia states.

Oliver was taken aback by the pure rage and fire that could be seen in Tolonia’s gaze. If looks could kill, then Oliver would not be dead but incinerated. It was easy to see why Tolonia had such a reputation of being a murderer and a robotic ruthless man, and even though Oliver knew that Tolonia couldn’t hurt him by death by glare….he still was aching to pick up his bow just in case.

“You bastard,” Tolonia gritted out in a growl while clenching his teeth. Almost as if he was trying to be calm, but was failing miserably due to his rage.

“Why have you contacted me?” Oliver asked in Arrow voice, even though it was moot by this point.

“First let’s stop with the cloak and dagger Mr. Queen. Since I already said I knew who you are let’s drop the voice modifier and the hood shall we? Because I want to look people in the eyes when I threaten them. Don’t worry I won’t be telling your secret….and I can see that is ALL you care about” Tolonia said with disgust.

When Oliver dropped the hood, Tolonia did a small nod but Oliver held up his hand slightly to prevent the rest of his team from being shown on the screen. Just because Tolonia figured out who he was, he still wanted to prevent the team from being under scrutiny as well.

“What is this about?” Oliver asked with a neutral face.

“WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?!?! SERIOUSLY?!” Tolonia then flat out LOST it, and threw his drink off camera and the team could hear the glass shattering from hitting a wall.

“If I didn’t care about Felicity as much as I do, then I would gladly end your existence for the HELL that you have been putting her through. No! Shut the HELL up and close your mouth. I want to know why Felicity is so broken inside that she feels her life means NOTHING. I have only seen this in her when her father left, and her mother had the unfortunate idea to blame Felicity for her no-good-cowardly father leaving to be with a mistress. WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?!”

Oliver was taken aback earlier by Tolonia’s rage, but this rant just left him confused. Why was Felicity broken? HOW was she broken? She was his light, and just pure joy and happiness. Something must have happened, but he has no clue as to what. 

Unfortunately the confusion of Oliver’s face only made Tolonia angrier and he threw another object off his desk, causing a loud crash against his wall. Even the team took a collective step back, and Tolonia was only Skyping! 

“You have no clue. (He scoffs) Of course you have no clue. That’s the point of it all isn’t it? She is a survivor Mr. Queen, and I have seen that girl go through so much hell since she was little. Tell me, I know the way you look at her as she looks at you. Her voice always did a little something when she would mention you in our monthly chats. However when I started to look into your personal life right now, that’s when I knew. Let me guess you love Felicity don’t you?”

Oliver is stunned speechless and doesn’t move a muscle. Tolonia takes this as an answer.

“Then WHY did you BREAK her spirit?! Tell me. It’s obvious you love her and she loves you…..and yet it seems you have been with MULTIPLE women in front of her. The rumors and sightings are too detailed in order for it to be a plant by Felicity online. Also I do believe there was talk of the Arrow being with the Canary, which by your body language was correct. So THIS is how you love her? By keeping her close to you as an EA and as your tech support, but continually disregard her as trash? I know Felicity, I’m guessing she started to be more fake laughs and smiles as soon as you got together with whoever the Canary was right? It probably was starting already based off of the rumors of a certain late night visit with your psycho ex- Co-CEO in Russia, but I’m guessing the Canary is what set her down this spiral. For that…..” Tolonia tries to take a deep breath but only serves as pissing him off more “I should go to war with you….and believe me I am TEMPTED!”

Oliver had been glancing at Sara when the Canary was brought up, but it was Digg’s face that made Oliver pause. Digg had a look like what Tolonia was saying was correct, and in a way it was but not to the extent Tolonia was making it out to be. Oliver had to protect Felicity, but he was lonely and Sara was able to handle herself. Nyssa didn’t say anything since she already knew about it, but she did grab Sara a little tighter.

“You would go to war….over what?” Oliver genuinely was confused. “And what I did was protect Felicity. Besides we were never together, and all she had on me was a crush….” Oliver didn’t know why he felt the need to defend himself, but really couldn’t stop himself from talking. (This must be what Felicity feels like, Oliver thinks.)

However at the “crush” comment, Digg and Roy look at each other and Oliver definitely noticed that. Yes he knew Felicity had feelings for him, but he could never be able to act of them- it would put her in danger. Besides everything ended up okay, and Felicity moved on from her crush.

“Oh you ‘protected’ her did you?” Now Tolonia got eerily quiet. “Let me tell you about how protecting Felicity by pushing her away really looks like. Because if your brain cells are too slow on the uptake from your past exploits with alcohol, you may have guessed that I had to do the same thing….except I did it correctly and not cruelly like you! When Niccolo was killed, and Felicity in the hospital FIGHTING FOR HER GODDAM LIFE, the murder of my only son was an act of war. And war is what we did. However, everyone knew my weakness had always been Niccolo and later Felicity who I viewed as a daughter. She was practically royalty herself, being the best friend of Niccolo and of course all of my men, even the most feared in the world, loved her the same.” Tolonia takes a moment to give a small smile while his eyes look off in the distance.

“However, an act of war means that people would be targeting Felicity. With Niccolo gone, she alone as a surrogate daughter, could in theory inherit the ‘family’ business. No one in my family or organization would have questioned it, and many in other families would have respected it as well.”

This made the team all have shocked looks on their faces, and for a moment they only stared at each other. Felicity was basically a mafia princess in all but name growing up, and none of them knew this at ALL.

“I didn’t want that to happen, as Felicity was this pure light and goodness. Even after suffering constant putdowns and degredation at the hands of her own mother, she was able to embrace her happiness with my son and family. In order to give her what I KNOW my son, and me if I’m honest, wanted for her- to escape this life….I had to push her away. I had to push her away in such a fashion that NONE of the families would THINK to use her against me, as it would mean zero leverage. She knew of course what I was going to do before I even did it, that girl is a genius afterall. I….I had…” Tolonia takes a moment to center himself. His eyes have unshed tears, and his voice breaks, but then looking at Oliver it seems Pissed Off Tolonia comes back.

“I had to publically disown her. She would have stayed in Vegas for me, for my family, but when she was ready to leave the hospital and was cleared for travel….then I began one of the hardest talks I’ve ever given. In front of my men and hospital staff (that I knew some were with the other familes) I screamed at her that SHE was the reason Niccolo was dead. That SHE KILLED my only son by letting him die. That she was no longer welcome in Vegas or anywhere near my family. I’d honor my commitment to paying her tuition at MIT as it was out of respect to Niccolo’s wishes. But I told her to use her skills and make sure I never see her traitorous face ever again. Then I gave her one day to pack and get the hell out of Vegas and to Boston. She KNEW I was pushing her away, she even whispered to me at the hospital asking if that is what I was going to do…..but still it had to be believable in that moment. I threw every insecurity and self-doubt she continually had after her mother in her face……her tears and her pleading….to this day I don’t know if her pleading was part of her plan or if she forgot for a moment that I didn’t mean it. Either way, everyone in all the families viewed her as damaged goods in a sense and that in a war, all it would do would be a positive to me for her to be dead….or at least that I wouldn’t care.”

Tolonia then glares at Oliver as Oliver is processing all of this new information. 

“You see Queen? THAT is how you push someone away. You GET THEM AWAY! You….what YOU are doing is nothing but cruel and horrible to a wonderful girl that has only known heartache and pain for most of her life. Yes we still talk, but it’s once a month and on encrypted phones and NEVER lasting longer than 10 minutes. You see….it took a while for her to understand that I didn’t mean it, and I could tell she kept replaying my words whenever we spoke. But we also didn’t speak until after 1 year of me ‘disowning’ her. She had shadows and people looking at her, but no one moved against her. What YOU are doing Queen? Is you are pushing her away emotionally while keeping her close. You act like you want her and yet get with numerous people in front of her. What YOU did was something that is up there with my horrible words I used to ‘disown her’, maybe even surpasses it, since at LEAST Felicity knew it was my cover. YOU?! She thinks you only see her as tech support or back up. Maybe you see her as a friend, but that she is not special to you. That she doesn’t matter to you. That she is worthless to you. AND THAT IS ON YOU!! You are the first person that I have EVER seen her look at someone like that, she loves you with all her soul and being, while you fed into that while denying her. So you broke her heart in a way that I haven’t seen since her mother told her she was worthless, pathetic, and a nuisance that should never have existed.”

The entire team gasps at what Felicity’s mother had said about her when she was a child, but Oliver now is looking pained. As if denying that what Tolonia was saying was making sense. Tolonia could see this, and continued with his rant.

“She feels that she doesn’t matter to ANYONE, that when she dies no one will truly care or grieve. (Oliver looks shocked and shakes his head) Oh yes she believes that. You can ask those that were there who were translating for you….yes I could tell they were there. Any friends she’s made, in her opinion may at most feel sad when she is dead, but that it wouldn’t stop anyone’s world. That there was NOT ONE PERSON on this GODDAMN PLANET that would care that Felicity Smoak no longer existed. That she was replaceable and easily disposed of. AND I BLAME YOU! By constantly pushing her away, but yet being the selfish bastard you are and keeping her close as property….you NEVER let her move on. Instead you make it so that way she can never be with anyone that may actually care enough about her to act of those feelings. YOU MADE HER ALONE IN THE WORLD! Yes she has mentioned names of friends, but based off of her talks, they all have someone or some other support system that again…it’s not like anyone would miss her. YOU did that…..when she dies be prepared. For that alone, I am within the right to raze Starling City from the ground in order to get you. I am willing to go to war, buy out your company, blacklist you, kill the image of the Arrow and destroy Oliver Queen. The men in my inner circle knew unofficially what I was doing, and so I know they would continue this fight should I die. You destroyed the only light in my life save for my wife and my son. You broke her spirit and made her feel that she was unlovable…..”

Oliver is vigorously shaking his head, but in his mind he was seeing a montage of everything he had done. Felicity’s pained looks followed by fake smiles when she saw him with other women and especially with Sara. Before she was fine, but as soon as HE had started with the looks and touching….when their relationship got to that point, he ran instead of be with Felicity. He is seeing now what he didn’t then, or maybe didn’t want to then, that Felicity was more and more putting on a fake smile. Much like he does when being “Ollie.” One look at the team, and he knows it’s true. Sara looks pained and confused- she whispers something to Nyssa….and Nyssa whispers back while nodding her head ever so slightly. Sara now looks shocked and so sad that she is silently crying.

“I’m guessing you knew the depth of her feelings when you did this. If it was just your feelings then you wouldn’t have blocked her from ever moving on, but no….you knew. You knew she loved you and yet you treated her like this.” Tolonia rage hasn’t dimmed but his voice is no longer yelling.

Sara stared at Oliver. She knew that HE knew Felicity had liked him, but she was kidding herself. Even when she and Nyssa kicked his ass, a part of Sara believed that maybe Oliver didn’t know the EXTENT of her feelings. That maybe he really did think she just had a crush or that it could have been on the verge of possible love….but not ACTUAL love. His face meant that he truly did know, there IS NO DOUBT in Sara’s mind- which again only makes her feel guilty for hurting her friend. Before it could be said by anyone on the team that Felicity might have hid how much she loved him, but this confirmed that Oliver truly was a horrible person to Felicity.

“So you see Mr. Queen…..when someone you love is in peril or possibly will be attacked then you have two options. One option is to push them away, to cut ties and make it so that they could not be used against you. The other is to keep them as close as possible, to make it known that this person is protected and means an automatic death sentence for anyone that comes for them. Felicity knew how much me and my wife had wanted Option 2….for Felicity to be protected at all times and continue to feel the love and support of my family. However, that would mean Felicity would have been stuck in a life that Niccolo had not wanted for her. Niccolo at the time was growing into his responsibilities and understood….even accepted the life that was laid out in front of him. How he would become the head of the family, but he did not want that for his best friend. His friend that helped him feel accepted and no longer lost in the world. He wanted for her to experience the dream that they had as children, and unfortunately Niccolo knew may never happen for him. To live a life built on love and freedom. He wanted Felicity to be free to become whoever she wanted to, and not live a life of fear and paranoia, but mainly he wanted her to be loved. Both of them were such romantics, but even at that age….Felicity had it already ingrained that she could never be loved.”

Tolonia takes a deep breath and looks at a devastated Oliver. Tolonia then tilts his head to the side and asks “have you heard of Felicity’s mantra?”

“What?”

“Hmmmm…..I can’t tell if you truly don’t know it or are hiding from yourself. Felicity learned that people who love her had the unfortunate ability to always leave her behind. So she came up with a mantra to help her with her heart- which killed Niccolo when she told him. She tailors it to fit the person that she cares most about, and it acts as a reminder for her as well as preparation. To remind herself that a person could NEVER truly love her and to remember all her past relationships; however, it also serves to prepare her for the eventual rejection she will feel when people leave her. It’s her shield to fight against the darkness that constantly is swirling around her, and it’s also her mask, to help her when she will break after the next person leaves. The thing is if you say something enough times, it becomes fact in a person’s mind. Your actions only showcased to Felicity that she IS nothing and MEANS nothing to you, so her mantra only helps to solidify that fact in her soul. She truly believes that YOU do not, could not, or would not EVER love her in any universe. The only solace I can possibly have, is that when Felicity is dead her soul will be reunited with Niccolo….at least HE would care for her as she should be cared…..and he would be reunited with his best friend.”

“Why do you keep saying Felicity WILL die? She won’t! She can’t! I won’t allow it!” Oliver growls out but it does not affect Tolonia in any regard.

Tolonia just scoffs and shakes his head at Oliver. Oliver and the team can see tears are silently coming down his face, a face that shows a man that is heartbroken at Felicity’s immedient death.

“She has nothing to fight for. Her plan at best would stop these men, but at worst, it will give me reason to go to war to kill the men that killed my son. In her mind it does not matter either way, and possibly it would be best if she DID die….then a war would be guaranteed which would then guarantee these men’s deaths. As of right now I cannot touch them, Felicity is as of this moment property of this family…..her death will trigger a war that no other family will want a part of. In order to stop a massacre…the families would unite to kill these men that are causing chaos and disrupting our balance. So yes. She most likely will die, because it produces a solid outcome and Felicity is nothing if not factually outcome based.”

Oliver is silent but his whole body is trembling. His eyes are off in the distance and his jaw is tightening at random intervals. Oliver is now being confronted not with the possibility, but the overall probability that Felicity Smoak will die. That everything he did, everything he thought he was doing for her protection, meant nothing and only insured that Felicity would go on a suicide mission. He’s said before that there is no Arrow, no Oliver Queen without Felicity Smoak….but he never understood those words until right now. She was the driving force behind this team, and she is the only reason all are alive at this point. If he had truly pushed Felicity away, then he knew he would have been in trouble without her usual assistance in both tech as well as soul. So he wanted to safeguard his heart, but couldn’t accept the fact that Felicity had to leave him in everything…..he needed her too damn much. So instead he treats her like property, to only be used in the way HE wanted while also making sure that no other man could have her either. He truly made her life emotional hell….and if what Tolonia says about her past….he, Oliver Queen, just destroyed the most beautiful soul on the planet. 

Oliver looks up at Tolonia and gives his Arrow Voice, “No. She WILL NOT die! I will find her and stop her. She will live, and I will protect her.”

Tolonia just looks at Oliver with sadness and still revulsion.   
“You still don’t get it do you?” Tolonia shakes his head and quietly says “It’s already too late. Knowing her, she already knew this was what she was going to do. I doubt you have the tech skills to find her, as she can make herself invisible. Just long enough to escape your attention in order to confront them….If I thought it would help then I would have reached out to: David, Richard, Ben, Martin, Clint or even Raymond to help bring her back from the brink….but she never did love any of them. It would not help.”

“Who are they?!” Oliver was shocked at the men’s names and looked to see that Digg had recognized some of the names, but it didn’t look like he knew all of the names. When Oliver looked back at the screen, Tolonia gave a condescending smile.

“Did you REALLY think that she was to be all alone while you went off sleeping through all of the women in the city? Of course she had relationships, but none of them could ever have been anything with as much as you had invaded her life and constantly demanded attention. Did you really think she would just sit on the side lines while the man she loved obviously felt none of that to her? She at least tried to move on, but again you never could let that happen could you? I think I’ve figured out what I will do Queen. You and your team will be safe from me and mine.”

“Why? Why gives us immunity when you are so obvious in your hate for everything I have done? This makes no sense.” Oliver couldn’t help himself and ask that question, because tactically speaking it really didn’t make any sense. It was always best to know your enemies as it helps to prepare to block any threats or attacks that could be made.

“What better punishment then to let you and your team live? Especially you. Since you will always know that Felicity Megan Smoak DIED due to your cruelty, and that YOU were the one to kill her regardless of who pulls the trigger. When you read about the war that will come and the innocents that most likely will be caught in the crossfire, I doubt those men will just give themselves up….those civilian deaths will be on your head too. You alone are responsible for breaking Felicity and causing her to see no way out except for the likely outcome of death. What better punishment then for you to CONSTANTLY analyze every choice you did in the past. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if you would have kept her close and gave her something to live for? Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if you allowed her to move on and find someone that could harness her light and give her unconditional love? Maybe this wouldn’t have happened…..well I’m sure you’ll wonder that many times. My only hope is that when you are so exhausted from these questions that you are unable to stop your body from passing out, I wish for you to get the dreams Felicity did- of you two married, of you two happy, of you two living a life full of love and support while helping people….and then for you to wake up to the cold reality that it will NEVER happen. THAT is my wish for you.” With that Tolonia crashes his laptop and cuts off the connection.

Everyone in the Foundry is shocked and in a trance, no one seems to be able to process the information that was just given to them. Oliver couldn’t stop the trembling and tears from falling as he was picturing the life he wanted with Felicity as Tolonia was describing. His knees buckled and he fell to the floor with a roar of pure devastation. This seemed to spur the team on to finding Felicity immediately, while Digg went to help Oliver off the floor. Digg was shocked to see that Oliver looked like a husk, a shell of his self….as if he truly understood that as of this moment Felicity was lost to him. No one in the Foundry even tried to talk to him, because they were also all in their own little world. Nyssa tried to soothe Sara by stroking her arm, while Lyla slowly rubbed circles in Digg’s back, and Roy was comforting Thea while she held hands with Malcolm….who was on the phone trying to find out where Felicity was at. It was as if they all accepted that they would find Felicity gone, and the main thought through them was- How could they not know Felicity was in this much pain?


	5. My name is Felicity Smoak and today I died....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I tried to finish this with a proper ending, but nothing really seemed to work. However, I felt so horrible waiting this long to post SOMETHING that I figured this would be better than nothing. Hopefully you guys like it and understood where I was attempting to go. If it feels rushed I am sorry, but I wanted to fit in everything as much as I could. 
> 
> THANK YOU for all your lovely support!

“Okay….so I’m really doing this….” Felicity is trembling in the driver’s side of her car while having a death grip on the steering wheel. She was able to track Derek’s movements, to what an empty business office with a big ‘For Lease’ sign in the front. When Felicity decided that she would confront Derek, it took less than 5 minutes on her tablet to figure out where he was, but it took about 30 minutes to come up with a plan. It was one thing to think of a plan that would leave to a person’s own death, but it’s entirely something else when that person is actually doing it.

So today I die, Felicity thought with acceptance and resignation. It’s like the Doctor Who episode in which it begins with Rose Tyler stating her name, age and that she died that day…..except this time it’s HER life and not a tv show. Felicity took one last look at the abandoned building and with no movement happening on the outside, she took out her trusty tablet and put it on the dashboard of her car to begin filming.

“My name is Felicity Megan Smoak and today I died. I know it’s a sad thing, at least I hope it’s a sad thing as I would like to believe I’m an okay person. Not the greatest person due to all my computer….ummm shall we say activities?...but I’d like to believe that someone will be a bit sad that I’m gone. NOT to force any of you to be sad, because it’s perfectly okay that you aren’t sad that I’m gone. It’s not like I can make anyone feel anything (Felicity then thinks of Oliver and takes a deep breath and whispers) as much as I wished that I could. Well okay enough of that (she looks at the building again to make sure no one has come out) because I don’t know how much time I have. I’m uploading the coordinates of my location to the Arrow Cave system so that way you know where my body will be and can send Lance with SCPD to the crime scene. On my desk is a Dummy’s Guide to the Arrow Cave System, in it explains how to conduct various searches, facial recognition and other features that I tried making as user friendly as possible. Also I am sending designs I have thought up for other gadgets along with this video- the ONLY other people allowed to view this is Team Flash or I will be PISSED and haunt your ass. Which would sound cool and awesome, if I didn’t watch so many Supernatural Episodes….egh. Don’t worry Oliver and Digg, Barry and Cisco will explain that reference to you. ” Felicity then winks at the camera.

“I’m sure that it’s been explained to you already that my death will possibly start a war….sorry about that as I don’t want any innocents harmed. With any luck my death will seal the fate of these evil men, give Tolonia and his family some peace, and possibly give Team Arrow an ally with ANOTHER mob.....is that a good thing now that I think about it? Well knowing Tolonia it may take awhile to be nice to you all, but I was like a daughter to him so grief will make him….cranky. Be kind to him as he was for all intents and purposes the father I chose, and one who chose me. Please check up on him as I saw his near destruction of his soul after Nicolo was killed, and I don’t wish for my death to destroy the little piece of soul he has left.” Felicity had begun to cry as she thought of how she will actually be dead soon, and reality was crashing into her at the moment.

“Digg,” Felicity gives a small watery smile, “you are like the older brother I had always wished for. You helped guide me to be a better person, and I will always be grateful that I had the privilege of meeting you. Now I won’t be there for when you have fights with Lyla and Sara so here’s my advice- Lyla is ALWAYS right and Sara is allowed to date without you scaring her boyfriend or girlfriend off. Show them that you will always choose them and always remind them of your love. That’s all any woman wants of her partner and parents, to be told that her life means something to others and that they are loved in return. I wish I could see my goddaughter grow up into an amazing woman, and that I could see you navigate your way through parenting- you must admit it will be hilarious at times. I know it will be hard, but please try to take care of Oliver if you can. He will need you, and I know you will be hurting but he won’t be able to ask you for your help. You are such a good man, and I am so happy that before I die, I could say that I had an amazing big brother.”

Felicity took a moment to compose herself before starting her video to Oliver, but she just couldn’t think of anything to say. Should she tell him how much she broke her heart? No because though it is accurate, it is also terribly cruel. He’s allowed to not love her or think of her like that at all. Should she tell him to keep fighting the darkness with his own inner light? Or that even though he could never love her, she will always be looking out for him every day of his life? Her face showcases so many emotions, because how can she speak to Oliver when she is feeling so raw inside? Finally she figures out what she wants to say and looks at the camera.

“Oliver. There is so much I want to say but I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll try not to babble even though I know you like it when I do. (Felicity gives a brief smile). Thank you for helping to give my life purpose and allowing me to join you on your crusade. The day you brought in the bullet-ridden laptop was the start of one of the most epic adventures I could ever hope to be on. Please remember this is my choice on what to do, after all how many times have you sacrificed yourself? So no judging and no feeling guilty as this was always MY fight from MY past. I won’t be there to remind you, but no pushing away Digg or your family because of whatever nonsense you come up with at the time. You need them. You are so loved and your death will make their worlds stop and unable to start again. So just remember that please? You have a light inside of you that is just waiting to glow, and one day you will find that person or people to help you see that it is there inside you. Oliver I lo-…I mean I look forward to watching you kickass from above. Goodbye.” 

With that done, Felicity sent her video and various other documents to the Arrow Cave system she created along with the copies to Team Flash in STAR Labs. Her boys are hopeless with technology and she knows that Team Flash will help them anyway they can. She doesn’t make a video for Tolonia because they already said their goodbyes and she doesn’t think she can do another video. Instead she has an email to be sent to him stating she’s with Nicolo and finally happy, to not wage unnecessary war that could hurt innocents, and that it is her choice to do this- one she does not regret. Felicity takes one last look in the mirror and sees her resolve, determination, and tears of acceptance that this is how she will leave this world. 

“There are worse ways to leave this world. I’m going out on my own terms and at least it will mean something,” Felicity says to her reflection. With that said, she takes a deep calming breath and gets out of her car. She stands tall with her chin thrusted up, she will not cower and with the feel of her gun in the small of her back along with a mini bomb hidden in her watch, she’ll take as many as she can down with her.

A loud beeping occurs setting off Felicity’s computer alarms within the Arrow Cave that causes everyone in the Foundry to be eerily silent. Sara goes up to Felicity’s computers and sees that Felicity sent coordinates along with attachments for various documents, instructions, and videos. She did a video for each member of Team Arrow including Nyssa and Malcolm. Sara clicks on the video marked for All Team Arrow, and in it Felicity begins with “My name is Felicity Megan Smoak and today I died.”

“NO!” Oliver yells and swipes off various items from the work bench sending things crashing to the ground.

“Sending coordinates…..” Felicity continued on the screen and with that Malcolm knocks Sara away from the controls.

“Excuse you. What the hell do you think you are doing?” Sara states it coldly with Nyssa glaring at Malcolm. 

“Trying to locate Ms. Smoak. While all of you are so lost in your pity party, there is a chance we can save her. She just sent this, and from what I can gather it wasn’t a delayed time to be sent. She wants us to get there to catch these guys red handed after killing her, but I’d like to get there before that okay?!” Malcolm furiously types until he gets to the actual location.

“It’s across town at an abandoned building,” Thea says while looking over Malcolm’s shoulder. 

“I’m calling Captain Lance and ARGUS now. I’ll stay her to coordinate,” Lyla states and begins dialing as Oliver is now out the door along with rest of Team Arrow. 

No one talks on comms except for Lyla to say that SCPD is on their way and ARGUS medical is ready if needed for Felicity. Everyone is quiet at that ending statement, but all of Team Arrow take quick glances at Oliver to make sure he’s okay. When they get there they see Felicity’s car is parked.

“The engine is slightly warm still,” Malcolm quietly says through comms as the rest of the team sets up a perimeter. 

Nobody can wait to create a plan and so they all make their way to the building in hopes to finding Felicity alive. What they see when they get there is armed men surrounding the room while on the floor there are two men dead with bullet to the head, and Felicity tied to a chair and bleeding from a wound on her side. Felicity’s face is swollen from his Derek’s punches and she is having a hard time breathing as well as Derek punches her stomach.

“You think you are so tough?! The favorite of the Great Tolonia and his little Prince….that title SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINE!” *Punch to the stomach*

Felicity coughs and spits up blood, “it (gasps) was never (gasp) yours to be had. Only Nic…Nicolo.” Felicity is having a hard time talking and feels like the blood loss is going to have her pass out soon. “You won’t win. You will never win.” Felicity gives a small smile which sends Derek into a rage.

“You bitch you think that you are better than me? What about your precious mantra huh? Don’t you remember….people ALWAYS leave you. No one ever has really cared for you at all in your miserable life. You were a burden on your mother, and only a side project…like a pet to Tolonia. You were never family nor could you ever be. Think about that. They say you are greeted by the ones you love when you cross over….but who could possibly be there for YOU when you have NO ONE that remotely loves you. Not even your precious Nicolo cared that much,” Derek began laughing at seeing how Felicity was affected by his words.

“Poor little Smoak unable to be loved by anyone. Always left behind with no one to care. Why else would you try to take me out when it’s obvious you would fail. You really had nothing to live for did you?” Derek tilts his head to the side as if thinking.

Oliver cringed at Derek’s comments but the last one spurred him to action. With the rest of the team set, they have Lyla cut power while they all get to taking out the armed men in the room. Oliver is desperate to get to Felicity as he saw that her blood loss was nearly getting to be too much, that any longer and not even ARGUS could save her.

“Put the power back on NOW” Digg yells into comms, and he sees Derek behind Felicity with his gun at her head.

“Well well what have we here? Impressive that you took out my men, but did you really that that they were ALL that I had behind me? Haha. More of my men will be coming shortly so I would suggest leaving while you can. This has nothing to do with any of you, especially you ‘Arrow’ “ Derek says to Oliver sarcastically.

“No it is you who doesn’t know what he is up against. Ms. Smoak saved my daughter repeatedly along with my sons. For that I am grateful and as such she is guaranteed my loyalty- trust me when I say NO ONE ever gets that,” Malcolm states calmly before throwing two knives. One knife knocks the gun out of his hand, and the other is imbedded in his shoulder.

“She is protected as she is MY family as well,” with that Nyssa throws three throwing stars, one goes into the same side that Felicity has her wound and the other two go to both his legs dropping him to the ground.

Oliver goes to Felicity to untie her and get her out of here, with Digg yelling into comms that Felicity is alive and in need of medical support. Unfortunately Derek was not lying when he said more of his men were coming, and Lyla tells the team that 8 SUVs are pulling up to the building. 

“You need to get out of here….” Felicity is barely conscious but says to Oliver as if she could hear what Lyla just said.

“No.” Oliver uses his soft ‘Felicity’ voice but there are also tears in his eyes.

“Outmanned (gasp) outgunned. Live to…fight…’nother day” Felicity says weakly. “It’s okay….I knew this would happen. No (gasp) regrets.” Tears are in Felicity’s eyes as slowly a tear falls down the side of her face.

“I am NEVER letting you go again. Felicity you WILL survive……I love you and I can’t lose you. I’m so sorry.” Oliver is holding her and for a moment they are in their own bubble. He can’t hear the gun fire or police sirens. He can’t hear Lyla yelling for an update or the fact that the rest of the team is fighting Derek’s men who made it inside before the police came. He can’t see or hear anything other than the woman he is holding in his arms while she is lying on the ground.

At Oliver’s admission, Felicity briefly has her eyes snap open to his and he sees a look of confusion and awe come across her face. “So I am a good person to make it to Heaven…..” Felicity smiles but then promptly closes her eyes as if she has no more strength. “He loves me…..must be Heaven” Felicity murmurs out loud before she falls to the darkness that surrounds her.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Felicity barely hears Oliver’s screams before she hears nothing at all.

BEEP…..BEEP……BEEP……BEEP…….

“Felicity?!” Felicity hears Oliver but it sounds as if it is yelled quietly through a tunnel. It’s so hard for Felicity to concentrate when she is hearing that blasted beeping noise. All she wants to do is sleep and dream some more of Oliver saying he loves her. 

“It wasn’t a dream” Oliver chokes out with his voice thick with emotion. “I love you so much, and it wasn’t a dream. Please wake up.”

“Oliver?” Felicity gasps as she slowly lifts her eyes open to see a very nice hospital room. She is unable to move any part of her body, and she feels so tired as if opening her eyes was like running a marathon….or half marathon…okay half a mile in Felicity’s case.

“You’re AWAKE! Nurse she’s awake!!!” Oliver looked incredusouly at Felicity, and saw her confusion.

“You are in the hospital. You did it, Tolonia took out all of Derek’s men along with men in the various families that were loyal to Derek. All heads of families thank you for helping to clean house. ARGUS was able to get you the best medical treatment, but once we got you….you flatlined….” Oliver tears begin to run down his face but he talks a mile a minute, or at Felicity’s normal pace, to try and get all information out “you were just out of the ICU. But we didn’t know when you’d wake up, and you’ve given us some false hope as you talk in your sleep. We thought you would be awake only to be told you were still sleeping…..but you are awake. I love you Felicity Megan Smoak. I love you SO MUCH and I will continue to remind you of this till the day I die. I will never push you away again, and I will gladly go through five more years of the island than experience these past couple of days ever again. Please don’t ever do that again. I love you. Digg, Lyla, Thea, Roy, Barry, Cisco, Caitlin, Captain Lance, Laurel, Tommy, Sara, Nyssa and even Malcolm loves you and doesn’t want you to leave us so soon. My world stopped Felicity when you passed out in my arms….do you understand? My world stopped and it didn’t restart until you came back to me. Please……stay.” 

Felicity didn’t know what to say as she was having difficulty processing it all. Oliver loved her! Wait…Oliver loved her? He’s so genuine and sincere, so it must be true, Felicity thinks. Felicity knows that she will need to be caught up on what happened after she left the Foundry. She wants to know everything that happened to Derek and his operation. She definitely wants to know about her friends and family (yes, Team Arrow and Tolonia are my family, Felicity muses). However, at this moment in time, all Felicity cares about is Oliver and what he just said.

“Your world stopped?” Felicity asks in a quiet voice, which had nothing to do with her growing fatigue.

“Yes it did.” Oliver sees Felicity fighting her body’s need for more sleep, and is trying hard to stay awake….for him. Oliver gives her a kiss to her forehead and brings his mouth close to her ear and whispers “I. Love. You.” Oliver smiles at not only Felicity’s smile, but that even as tired as she is, she is still able to blush fire engine red and her heart rate monitor started to beep fast as Oliver gave a kiss to her lips. "I'll be here to remind you forever your NEW mantra: He LOVES me. He will ALWAYS LOVE me. We will be happy." 

Felicity does go back to sleep but with a smile on her face. Oliver starts to chuckle at the fact he can’t wait to use that heart rate monitor to his advantage, especially after hearing her heart’s reaction to him chastely kissing her. He knows they have a lot of discuss, but he also knows without a shadow of a doubt 2 things: 1) Oliver Queen LOVES Felicity Smoak and 2) Felicity Smoak LOVES Oliver Queen. Nothing else really matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had two different endings- one where Felicity actually dies and the other where she lives. I kind of wanted the first ending to screw with my fictional Oliver's emotions.....but then I blame my Disney-Loving soul for only wanting Happy Endings. So......hope you guys are okay with an Olicity ending.


	6. Alternative Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this was the alternative ending that I created. If I did an okay-ish job....bring tissues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically the first half is the same, but the second half differs. I wasn't going to post it as soon as I decided that I wanted a happy ending, but I was asked to post the alternative ending as well. Hope you guys like it!

“Okay….so I’m really doing this….” Felicity is trembling in the driver’s side of her car while having a death grip on the steering wheel. She was able to track Derek’s movements, to what an empty business office with a big ‘For Lease’ sign in the front. When Felicity decided that she would confront Derek, it took less than 5 minutes on her tablet to figure out where he was, but it took about 30 minutes to come up with a plan. It was one thing to think of a plan that would leave to a person’s own death, but it’s entirely something else when that person is actually doing it.

So today I die, Felicity thought with acceptance and resignation. It’s like the Doctor Who episode in which it begins with Rose Tyler stating her name, age and that she died that day…..except this time it’s HER life and not a tv show. Felicity took one last look at the abandoned building and with no movement happening on the outside, she took out her trusty tablet and put it on the dashboard of her car to begin filming.

“My name is Felicity Megan Smoak and today I died. I know it’s a sad thing, at least I hope it’s a sad thing as I would like to believe I’m an okay person. Not the greatest person due to all my computer….ummm shall we say activities?...but I’d like to believe that someone will be a bit sad that I’m gone. NOT to force any of you to be sad, because it’s perfectly okay that you aren’t sad that I’m gone. It’s not like I can make anyone feel anything (Felicity then thinks of Oliver and takes a deep breath and whispers) as much as I wished that I could. Well okay enough of that (she looks at the building again to make sure no one has come out) because I don’t know how much time I have. I’m uploading the coordinates of my location to the Arrow Cave system so that way you know where my body will be and can send Lance with SCPD to the crime scene. On my desk is a Dummy’s Guide to the Arrow Cave System, in it explains how to conduct various searches, facial recognition and other features that I tried making as user friendly as possible. Also I am sending designs I have thought up for other gadgets along with this video- the ONLY other people allowed to view this is Team Flash or I will be PISSED and haunt your ass. Which would sound cool and awesome, if I didn’t watch so many Supernatural Episodes….egh. Don’t worry Oliver and Digg, Barry and Cisco will explain that reference to you. ” Felicity then winks at the camera.

“I’m sure that it’s been explained to you already that my death will possibly start a war….sorry about that as I don’t want any innocents harmed. With any luck my death will seal the fate of these evil men, give Tolonia and his family some peace, and possibly give Team Arrow an ally with ANOTHER mob.....is that a good thing now that I think about it? Well knowing Tolonia it may take awhile to be nice to you all, but I was like a daughter to him so grief will make him….cranky. Be kind to him as he was for all intents and purposes the father I chose, and one who chose me. Please check up on him as I saw his near destruction of his soul after Nicolo was killed, and I don’t wish for my death to destroy the little piece of soul he has left.” Felicity had begun to cry as she thought of how she will actually be dead soon, and reality was crashing into her at the moment.

“Digg,” Felicity gives a small watery smile, “you are like the older brother I had always wished for. You helped guide me to be a better person, and I will always be grateful that I had the privilege of meeting you. Now I won’t be there for when you have fights with Lyla and Sara so here’s my advice- Lyla is ALWAYS right and Sara is allowed to date without you scaring her boyfriend or girlfriend off. Show them that you will always choose them and always remind them of your love. That’s all any woman wants of her partner and parents, to be told that her life means something to others and that they are loved in return. I wish I could see my goddaughter grow up into an amazing woman, and that I could see you navigate your way through parenting- you must admit it will be hilarious at times. I know it will be hard, but please try to take care of Oliver if you can. He will need you, and I know you will be hurting but he won’t be able to ask you for your help. You are such a good man, and I am so happy that before I die, I could say that I had an amazing big brother.”

Felicity took a moment to compose herself before starting her video to Oliver, but she just couldn’t think of anything to say. Should she tell him how much she broke her heart? No because though it is accurate, it is also terribly cruel. He’s allowed to not love her or think of her like that at all. Should she tell him to keep fighting the darkness with his own inner light? Or that even though he could never love her, she will always be looking out for him every day of his life? Her face showcases so many emotions, because how can she speak to Oliver when she is feeling so raw inside? Finally she figures out what she wants to say and looks at the camera.

“Oliver. There is so much I want to say but I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll try not to babble even though I know you like it when I do. (Felicity gives a brief smile). Thank you for helping to give my life purpose and allowing me to join you on your crusade. The day you brought in the bullet-ridden laptop was the start of one of the most epic adventures I could ever hope to be on. Please remember this is my choice on what to do, after all how many times have you sacrificed yourself? So no judging and no feeling guilty as this was always MY fight from MY past. I won’t be there to remind you, but no pushing away Digg or your family because of whatever nonsense you come up with at the time. You need them. You are so loved and your death will make their worlds stop and unable to start again. So just remember that please? You have a light inside of you that is just waiting to glow, and one day you will find that person or people to help you see that it is there inside you. Oliver I lo-…I mean I look forward to watching you kickass from above. Goodbye.”

With that done, Felicity sent her video and various other documents to the Arrow Cave system she created along with the copies to Team Flash in STAR Labs. Her boys are hopeless with technology and she knows that Team Flash will help them anyway they can. She doesn’t make a video for Tolonia because they already said their goodbyes and she doesn’t think she can do another video. Instead she has an email to be sent to him stating she’s with Nicolo and finally happy, to not wage unnecessary war that could hurt innocents, and that it is her choice to do this- one she does not regret. Felicity takes one last look in the mirror and sees her resolve, determination, and tears of acceptance that this is how she will leave this world.

“There are worse ways to leave this world. I’m going out on my own terms and at least it will mean something,” Felicity says to her reflection. With that said, she takes a deep calming breath and gets out of her car. She stands tall with her chin thrusted up, she will not cower and with the feel of her gun in the small of her back along with a mini bomb hidden in her watch, she’ll take as many as she can down with her.  
A loud beeping occurs setting off Felicity’s computer alarms within the Arrow Cave that causes everyone in the Foundry to be eerily silent. Sara goes up to Felicity’s computers and sees that Felicity sent coordinates along with attachments for various documents, instructions, and videos. She did a video for each member of Team Arrow including Nyssa and Malcolm. Sara clicks on the video marked for All Team Arrow, and in it Felicity begins with “My name is Felicity Megan Smoak and today I died.”

“NO!” Oliver yells and swipes off various items from the work bench sending things crashing to the ground.

“Sending coordinates…..” Felicity continued on the screen and with that Malcolm knocks Sara away from the controls.

“Excuse you. What the hell do you think you are doing?” Sara states it coldly with Nyssa glaring at Malcolm.

“Trying to locate Ms. Smoak. While all of you are so lost in your pity party, there is a chance we can save her. She just sent this, and from what I can gather it wasn’t a delayed time to be sent. She wants us to get there to catch these guys red handed after killing her, but I’d like to get there before that okay?!” Malcolm furiously types until he gets to the actual location.

“It’s across town at an abandoned building,” Thea says while looking over Malcolm’s shoulder.

“I’m calling Captain Lance and ARGUS now. I’ll stay her to coordinate,” Lyla states and begins dialing as Oliver is now out the door along with rest of Team Arrow.

No one talks on comms except for Lyla to say that SCPD is on their way and ARGUS medical is ready if needed for Felicity. Everyone is quiet at that ending statement, but all of Team Arrow take quick glances at Oliver to make sure he’s okay. When they get there they see Felicity’s car is parked.

“The engine is slightly warm still,” Malcolm quietly says through comms as the rest of the team sets up a perimeter.

Nobody can wait to create a plan and so they all make their way to the building in hopes to finding Felicity alive. What they see when they get there is armed men surrounding the room while on the floor there are two men dead with bullet to the head, and Felicity tied to a chair and bleeding from a wound on her side. Felicity’s face is swollen from his Derek’s punches and she is having a hard time breathing as well as Derek punches her stomach.

“You think you are so tough?! The favorite of the Great Tolonia and his little Prince….that title SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINE!” *Punch to the stomach*

Felicity coughs and spits up blood, “it (gasps) was never (gasp) yours to be had. Only Nic…Nicolo.” Felicity is having a hard time talking and feels like the blood loss is going to have her pass out soon. “You won’t win. You will never win.” Felicity gives a small smile which sends Derek into a rage.

“You bitch you think that you are better than me? What about your precious mantra huh? Don’t you remember….people ALWAYS leave you. No one ever has really cared for you at all in your miserable life. You were a burden on your mother, and only a side project…like a pet to Tolonia. You were never family nor could you ever be. Think about that. They say you are greeted by the ones you love when you cross over….but who could possibly be there for YOU when you have NO ONE that remotely loves you. Not even your precious Nicolo cared that much,” Derek began laughing at seeing how Felicity was affected by his words.

“Poor little Smoak unable to be loved by anyone. Always left behind with no one to care. Why else would you try to take me out when it’s obvious you would fail. You really had nothing to live for did you?” Derek tilts his head to the side as if thinking.

Oliver cringed at Derek’s comments but the last one spurred him to action. With the rest of the team set, they have Lyla cut power while they all get to taking out the armed men in the room. Oliver is desperate to get to Felicity as he saw that her blood loss was nearly getting to be too much, that any longer and not even ARGUS could save her.

“Put the power back on NOW” Digg yells into comms, and he sees Derek behind Felicity with his gun at her head.

“Well well what have we here? Impressive that you took out my men, but did you really that that they were ALL that I had behind me? Haha. More of my men will be coming shortly so I would suggest leaving while you can. This has nothing to do with any of you, especially you ‘Arrow’ “ Derek says to Oliver sarcastically.

“No it is you who doesn’t know what he is up against. Ms. Smoak saved my daughter repeatedly along with my sons. For that I am grateful and as such she is guaranteed my loyalty- trust me when I say NO ONE ever gets that,” Malcolm states calmly before throwing two knives. One knife knocks the gun out of his hand, and the other is imbedded in his shoulder.

“She is protected as she is MY family as well,” with that Nyssa throws three throwing stars, one goes into the same side that Felicity has her wound and the other two go to both his legs dropping him to the ground.  
Oliver goes to Felicity to untie her and get her out of here, with Digg yelling into comms that Felicity is alive and in need of medical support. Unfortunately Derek was not lying when he said more of his men were coming, and Lyla tells the team that 8 SUVs are pulling up to the building.

“You need to get out of here….” Felicity is barely conscious but says to Oliver as if she could hear what Lyla just said.

“No.” Oliver uses his soft ‘Felicity’ voice but there are also tears in his eyes.

“Outmanned (gasp) outgunned. Live to…fight…’nother day” Felicity says weakly. “It’s okay….I knew this would happen. No (gasp) regrets.” Tears are in Felicity’s eyes as slowly a tear falls down the side of her face.

“I am NEVER letting you go again. Felicity you WILL survive……I love you and I can’t lose you. I’m so sorry.” Oliver is holding her and for a moment they are in their own bubble. He can’t hear the gun fire or police sirens. He can’t hear Lyla yelling for an update or the fact that the rest of the team is fighting Derek’s men who made it inside before the police came. He can’t see or hear anything other than the woman he is holding in his arms while she is lying on the ground.

At Oliver’s admission, Felicity briefly has her eyes snap open to his and he sees a look of confusion and awe come across her face. “So I am a good person to make it to Heaven…..” Felicity smiles but then promptly closes her eyes as if she has no more strength. “He loves me…..must be Heaven” Felicity murmurs out loud before she falls to the darkness that surrounds her.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Felicity barely hears Oliver’s screams before she hears nothing at all.

BEEP…..BEEP……BEEP……BEEP…….

Oliver wakes suddenly to the sound of his alarm, his body covered in sweat and his eyes red from the amount of alcohol he drank last night. Every night he has the same nightmare, he finds Felicity, he tells her he loves her, and then she dies in his arms claiming she must be in Heaven. Then he wakes to his own screams as he sees Felicity die every night….it’s been two months since that night. That means he’s relived this 60 times, and that doesn’t even count what he flashes back to whenever he sees a computer, a blonde with glasses walking down the street (he nearly called out Felicity one time) and he cannot stand the sight or smell of coffee. The team learned that the hard way when they saw Oliver destroying the coffee maker in the Arrow Cave….well when he was last in there anyway.

“Ollie you need to do something. This isn’t healthy and it isn’t good. Felicity would not want to see you like this, I believe she would be the first to yell at you for not taking better care of yourself,” Thea stood in the middle of his doorway of his room. She looked down at her brother with despair, as she sees what the others have not yet….Oliver is broken and empty. The light is gone from his eyes and it’s easy to see that he doesn’t give a damn anymore about anything. The rest of the team is in mourning, and everyone is still too raw but Digg, Laurel, Roy (he came back for the funeral and stayed) and Thea continue to fight to save the city. Oliver can barely fight his body to move from the bed, and even then there is no fight- Oliver has simply given up regardless of the pep talks by the rest of the team.

“Yes she would bring on her Loud Voice,” Oliver’s eyes water as he gives a small smile at the memory of Felicity yelling at him for making her his EA, “but I can’t Thea….” Oliver begins to break down and sob as Thea goes to hug him tightly.

“Ollie….I” Thea didn’t know the words to say to help out Oliver through this pain, but they both startle as they hear not only the door bell ringing but an incessant loud knock on their door.

“I’ll get it Ollie. Probably Captain Lance or someone” Thea left Oliver sitting on his bed and as soon as she left he stood up to look at the photo he had of Felicity, him and Digg. Felicity had wanted to take a picture of Team Arrow to make it official.

“See? Proof that we are a team!” Felicity had squealed while Digg and Oliver looked amused and exasperated at the same time. Oliver slammed the picture facedown as the memory was too much, and that’s when he heard Thea yelling at someone in the livingroom.

“Get. Out. NOW!” Thea yelled while pointing at the door. Oliver came in and saw none other than Tolonia standing in the middle of the living room, with some guards in the hallway.

“Thea it’s okay. I’d like to talk with Mr. Tolonia in private if that’s okay.” Oliver asked, but in his own way was making more of a statement than a question. Thea looked conflicted whether to leave her brother alone or not, but in the end gave a little nod.

“Fine Ollie. I’ll be in my room if you need me,” Thea walked back into end part of the loft towards her room, but not before glaring at Tolonia. She knew what his last words to Oliver had caused so much damage to her brother- always saying ‘what if’ in his mind and in his heart. 

Tolonia took in Oliver’s appearance. Oliver had an unruly beard, lost weight, was pale, his eyes were blood shot, and he stunk of booze. Basically Tolonia saw that Oliver was no longer The Arrow, but a man who lost everything worth living for. For a brief moment in time, Tolonia felt sorry for Oliver….but then again, Tolonia still held Oliver responsible for Felicity sacrificing herself because she honestly believed that no one loved her so deeply. For that alone Tolonia can never forgive Oliver, because Tolonia had seen how Oliver’s cruel behavior wrapped up in some delusion of nobility and valor had cost the world the light of Felicity Smoak.

“What are you doing here?” Oliver stated neutrally after some moments of silent had passed.

“I came to see how you were doing,” Tolonia shrugs.

“Somehow I highly doubt that,” Oliver just lifts up an eyebrow as if to demonstrate to Tolonia that he had no energy or desire for games.

“I am trying to do right by Felicity,” Tolonia’s eyes water and voice breaks at the name, “she emailed me before she died to watch out for ‘her family, the one she created in Starling City, Team Arrow.’ She had asked me to make sure that everyone was okay, and that if possible to give your assistance if needed.”

“Assistance? I NEEDED your help when I had been trying to FIND Felicity, but you DIDN’T CARE!!! I don’t need yours or anyone else’s help!” Oliver bellows at Tolonia, but all that does is set off the rage in the older man’s eyes.

“Stupid boy. No one would have been able to reach Felicity and change her mind in that moment….not even you. Well ‘maybe’ you could have changed her mind if you had manned up and told her you loved her BEFORE she was DYING! YES I saw the security footage, and you know what my wife wants me to remember- the look of happiness on her face when she thinks she’s in Heaven when you said you loved her. God did she ever love you, and all you ever did was throw her feelings back into her face. Only when the great Oliver Queen or all mighty Arrow needed an ego-boost did you pay Felicity any time of day. No. What I FOCUS on is how she DOESN’T believe it! She thought she was in Heaven because it was her dream for you to love her as she did you, but at the time of her death- she died believing that HER Oliver, the real Oliver in her mind, NEVER felt that way towards her. She died believing NO ONE EVER TRULY LOVED HER” Tolonia rages back as he sees the truth hit Oliver’s eyes.

“STOP this now!” Thea came back into the living room as she heard yelling, and she came in to see Oliver crumple to the ground.

“Why should I stop? Felicity was a great believer in truth and facts. I am trying to honor her memory but simply stating what is. The fact is your brother toyed with her feelings until HE was deemed ready to deal with them. He got together with numerous women in front of Felicity, gave her hope only to destroy her heart, and he has the gall to tell me that I didn’t care? I LOVED her as if she was my own! She was not my blood, but she was my daughter in all the ways it counts. It killed me when I had to push her away, but she understood and still viewed me as her father. She was part of my FAMILY, she made us whole, she showed the world that even when you are belittled, degraded, and viewed to be lacking- you can still be true to who you are and shine so bright. Your precious brother dimmed that light before it was snuffed out, for that I have anger, rage, and trust me sweetheart, you don’t want me focusing those emotions on you or your team.”

“Why are you here?!” Thea yelled while still hugging Oliver, and she felt more than saw how Oliver shook during Tolonia’s rant.

“I’m here to do what was asked of me by my daughter, to check in with you all and offer aide when needed. She didn’t wish for her death to be the destruction of Starling City….not after EVERYTHING she had given up to help the city. You know her career, friends, reputation, any chance for a relationship with a man that loves her….” Tolonia has his voice go silent as he sees Oliver’s eyes deaden. This brings Tolonia a small amount of joy, for he is unable to get his revenge against Oliver due to his promise of help to Felicity, but many people forgot that Tolonia was the head of the Italian Mafia for a reason- you simply did not cross him in anyway or you ended up dead or worse. Oliver currently was dealing with the ‘worse,’ to constantly be reminded by someone other than himself about how much he had screwed up. 

“So you both are aware, the war between me and those that had supported Derek is coming to a close. Most are dead….or will be shortly. The only one that has escaped was Derek’s benefactor in killing Nicolo as well as Felicity, he is rumored to be holed up here,” with that Tolonia threw a piece of paper with an address on the coffee table “I figured your team deserves their revenge as well- even if I have issues with your leader. Felicity loved you all and it’s only right she is avenged by everyone she let into her life.” With that Tolonia left through the front door, and shut it ever so quietly. Soon the entire loft was too quiet.

Oliver barely remembers how he and Thea came to be in front of the address that Tolonia gave them. In his mind he knows that Thea called the rest of the team, they all met at the Foundry, Oliver, Digg and Roy were firmly with the “kill the bastard” mentality while Laurel and Thea wanted to put the benefactor in jail. In the end Thea and Laurel reluctantly agreed with the men, because even in jail the man would die anyway due to Tolonia’s connections. Malcolm, Nyssa and Sara were out of the country on League business and so they were unable to participate in the operation. Oliver knew all this happened, and yet it was as if he was watching this all on a TV screen. Nothing felt real anymore, and he never felt this empty and void of life before. He thought the island and ARGUS had shown him true despair and destruction of his soul, he now realizes that it was NOTHING compared to his feelings now. He can’t even hold onto a memory of being with Felicity and being happy, because he had destroyed that by pushing her away.

We could have been so happy, Oliver thought as he brushed the tears from his eyes. He was to blame, and he knew Tolonia was right. HE was the one to push Felicity away. HE got with multiple women in front on her while still giving her hope of maybes for the future. HE is the one that ran and made sure that he and Felicity would never happen. Except now he recognizes the flaw in his plan. He wanted to distance himself from Felicity in order to protect his soul, because if she were to die then he knew he would be destroyed. NOW he realizes that he is destroyed either way, and that he could have had happy memories of being with Felicity but that he was stupid and threw that love aside. There is no more Oliver Queen or The Arrow, there is no identity left except a shell of a man. No light. No hope. No soul. All of that left when Felicity Smoak died.

Oliver and the Team go into house to find the backer, the man that helped Derek on his path of murdering Nicolo and Felicity, but also there were 10 armed men in the house as well. No one had been truly thinking when they set up to find the backer, with all that fire power and Team Arrow unprepared the rest of the team went to retreat and called SCPD for back up. Oliver saw that the backer was getting ready to move, and he would be damned if he had the person that helped kill HIS Felicity living free somewhere. Oliver no longer paid any attention to anything, to Digg yelling at him to pull back, Thea pleading for Oliver to not do it, Laurel saying Felicity wouldn’t want him to be reckless, and Oliver didn’t hear a word that was said. All Oliver felt was the cold joy when he put a bullet through the backer’s brain, but it did nothing to warm his heart, no his heart was dead that much he could be certain of. Frankly he didn’t CARE about his life, his mission, or anything. He just didn’t care. So though he felt the pain of the bullets from the backer’s men going into his body, he didn’t care because what was there to live for anyway? His sister was safe with Roy, the team can continue to save the city without him, and really….WHAT was there to live for anyway? 

The SCPD show up and are able to stop the rest of the armed men in the house. Captain Lance sees Oliver’s body and knows that there is no help available that could save him. Oliver understands this when he looks into Captain Lance and then Digg’s eyes, as the rest of the team goes to Oliver. Thea is crying and sobbing while begging Oliver to hold on. Digg knows there is nothing anyone can do, but still he fights to keep Oliver stable until medics could come. Laurel is crying and holding Oliver’s hand as she places a soothing hand on Thea’s shoulder. Roy is next to Thea and she grasps his hand, while Roy tries his best not to show emotion but failing as a tear falls off of his cheek.

“Do (gasp) you think (gasp) I will see Felicity?” Oliver wheezes out and asks so quietly.

“If I know our girl she’s wait to use her Loud Voice on you” Digg gives a small smile with unshed tears in his eyes.

Oliver chuckles but ends up coughing blood, and he just feels so tired….so very tired and he doesn’t want to fight anymore.

“She will be there Ollie,” Thea says while clutching Oliver.

“I hope so…..” Oliver’s voice fades out as his body finally ends his torment and the light leaves his eyes. The headline for the next day’s newspaper: Oliver Queen is Dead.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments make my world go round!


End file.
